Dear anita,

My thoughts and imaginings today- if I could, I would close my eyes and make these things happen: (1) I would make Eric as tall and as handsome as he wants to be, (2) I would roll back time so that Eric is 17 or so, just about to enter uni… no, I would roll back the time to when Eric as a baby: I would make sure that no one force-feeds him. I would make sure that Eric’s family is as big and as loving as he wants it to be, that little Eric has friends and is happy… no loneliness for Eric, no feeling less-than others for Eric, no pain for Eric.

And when Eric is 19, or 20, I will see to it that he falls in love with a girl who falls in love with him… and they live happily ever after.

You are right, this is really my dream scenario of life…. I really want to have this kind of life and appearance… i really do

But there is nothing i can do to get that life…. I dont have that kind of appearance, i dont have a really big and loving family, and i dont have a girl of my dreams right now….

The only thing that i can do now is live my life as best as i can…. But it’s such a struggle, i can distract myself about my height…. But then circumstances keeps giving me struggles….Like my friend could suddenly posted a pic of us together and i look short there (even when i tried my best to look as tall as i can), people would give me first impression that i’m short and a bit weird facial features (bushy eyebrows), even tall boys who has a filthy personality would underestimate me when we havent talk yet….

Due to this cautiousness, its hard for me to enjoy, i keep protecting myself from going to certain events because i could look short there…

I didnt chase girls in my uni days because of my insecurity, so i chose to pursue that girl but in the end it didnt work….

I know that whatever im dwelling here wont change anything, but i always felt that this world hates me…. I never asked to be born with eating issues, this appearance, etc

I tried to do what most people do when they broke up, show their ex that they are better…. Few days ago i posted a pic of me holding a coffee with all the enhanced appearance i can do…. I styled my hair, choose cool outfit… But when i look at it again, my legs look short. I didnt notice it until i posted that… It’s really hard to get people to impress my appearance, i go to the gym daily now… i hope it can enhance something….

I know that most people would say that you should “love yourself, be grateful”… but most people who said that dont have any issues with their height…. Easy for them to say that…..

Idk what mistakes that i do, but i feel like this world is giving me karma….

Just like how that girl keeps posting her appearance now, it’s like im getting left behind… she has upgraded her appearance…

There is nothing i can do to make this situation better, what i can do is hope that i can finally be free from that girl, fall in love with someone whom i really love and she accepts me who i am,

It’s really hard to live a life calmly, like there is always something that i did wrong every day…

Tbh i still can live and do my daily activities, it’s just that deep inside i experience internal pain everyday…. I can still force myself to live my life everyday, i just have to bear the pain inside me…. Nothing will came from dwelling my appearance, regrets, etc… i knew about that… it’s just that i like dwelling on how unfair my situation is right now….

The only good thing is that from every overthinking, i always gain new life advices… like i got some awakening in me…. But the pain i felt inside is sometimes too unbearable, like on few years ago… one of my friend posted a pic and i look short there… i hit my head due to that and i avoid myself from social media…. I even feel so afraid when i open social media….. Like my weakness gets exposed on public…. I can life my life more happily, but i need to camouflage my weaknesses everyday, i guess it’s isnt possible…

Cant believe im entering another gloomy period of my life, i need to calm myself again… its tiring to keep doing this.