Dear Caroline:

I re-read some of our communication so to be better prepared for this reply. A few things I noticed:

About your extended family, you wrote: “grandparents or uncles never talked to us, was never interested in asking me anything… they just rejected (me)”. About your male work colleague (previously referred to as a friend), you wrote: “I have to admit there is a success, my ex-friend was very polite to me today in front of other people, he even asked me questions“-

– do you notice the parallels: your grandparents and uncles never talked to you, never asked you any questions, rejected you in front of the whole extended family; they were clearly not polite to you at all. So, when your work colleague was very polite, on that one day, in front of other people, asking you questions- that felt extra special, positively special, because it was very different from the opposite treatment you received as a child.

It felt like a SUCCESS because this is what you wanted growing up and onward: to be treated well, and you tried (and failed) to make it happen. When your work colleague treated you well, you felt like you made it happen, that it was your personal success!

“my mom started being ashamed of me…she naturally thought her child was inferior.. .. But I don’t think my dad was ashamed of me. He did not care that much, he even stood up for me sometimes“- your mother as well as the extended family rejected you, which means that they also did not stand up for you, except for your father who sometimes stood up for you.

“Now I don’t think it was friendship at all, it was his benefiting from my passiveness and people pleasing“- I think that being passive and people-pleasing is how you tried to survive and to change your extended family’s rejecting behavior: if you are passive, if you do nothing- there’s less to reject;  if you please them- maybe they’ll think better of you and treat you better (or at least, they won’t treat you even worse).

“I was afraid to ask what was his floor number… I knew I could not ask him if he already had told me this once, because he will scold me…  I ignored my neighbor and his dog because I was afraid and knew I had to maintain eye contact so that he sees I am listening to him… he once told me someone sent him wishes and I asked what was the occasion and he scolded me that I did not know what it was (Easter coming in few days)“- Mr. Right (work colleague) was eager to let Ms. Wrong (Caroline)  know that she is indeed Wrong. By treating you as Wrong, he awakened and maintained your craving and eagerness to change his opinion and his treatment of you from rejecting to accepting, from impolite to polite.

* As to his motivation, what did he get out of treating you this way? My guess is that it tickles him, he enjoys it.

“Today, after a week since my message to him, and two weeks after his ‘escalation’ I feel weird. Free and happy but also sad that I was abused and did not realize that, I was just trying to survive, walking on eggshells, avoiding asking stupid questions, or doing anything that would piss him off“- your work colleague is like any one of the family members who rejected and abused you growing up. Your reaction to him is the same as your reaction to your rejecting family members: (1) “just trying to survive, walking on eggshells”, etc., so to not  piss them off, so that they don’t treat you even worse, and (2) ambitiously trying to change their opinion and treatment of you from rejecting and impolite =>  accepting and polite.

* In regard to your work colleague:  if he acted politely toward you all the time, he wouldn’t enjoy himself, it wouldn’t be fun or interesting for him. As I see it, there is no emotional motivation on his part to be consistently nice and polite to you.

“I will definitely be careful although I know a few nice people and I don’t think they would act this way“- yes, there are nice people, imperfect but nice. Resolve to only have nice people in the personal settings of your life (often people can’t choose the people in their work setting).

“I visit my mom’s family once in 5 months for birthday parties. I do not feel I belong to any of the families…I think there is mutual respect there (except for my family, but as I mentioned some of them I do not talk to anymore and some of them I meet for the minimum time during the year)“-a single visit with family members who reject you, is one visit too many. Any such visit (including the anticipation and aftermath of each visit) serves to maintain your childhood trauma and your reactions to it (the mental Freeze Response we talked about, the passivity, walking on eggshells etc.)

“It has been overwhelmed at work lately. Since I thought my coworkers may think I am dishonest, I get anxiety every day and feel like a fraud“- I still don’t quite understand your worry about being thought of as dishonest and a fraud. Growing up, did you feel like your rejecting family members, including your mother, thought of you as dishonest and a fraud… and/ or did you feel like this because your behavior was passive and people-pleasing, but inside you (understandably) felt angry, very angry perhaps?

anita