Dear Farnaz:

“It feels, you are angry at something, or maybe it’s holiday blues??“- Following reading your post yesterday (Dec 31, about 20 hours ago), I felt that you were angry with me, at least a bit angry, as in annoyed with me, when following quoting me (“how about a freer 2023 for you and for me?!“), you wrote: “that’s great, but we don’t need new year or any other special occasion, do we? Let’s day I don’t have faith in new year resolution, lol. We don’t actually celebrate New Year now” – I thought that you were annoyed with me for bringing up the new year/  new-year-resolution. This is why I didn’t wish you a happy new year and also, my heart closed to you a bit, thinking that you are angry with me and will not want to communicate with me anymore. Interestingly enough, before I got to the computer this morning, I was going to ask you if you were angry with me?!!! I thought to myself that as part of the bpd diagnosis, a person does get annoyed with everyone, sooner or later, and ends contact with.. well, everyone (which leads to the “loneliness” in the title of your thread, and my own history of loneliness). By the way, my favorite part of the holidays is when they are over.. so I am looking forward to tomorrow! I like regular days!!!

“I don’t see any reason to help him… so what’s the point, he didn’t see anything wrong with his behavior… so the change of him changing is zero… I don’t see any point in talking about him here either. He doesn’t deserve my time, neither yours“-your anger at him deserves my time. My anger ruled my life, anger and fear, I’d say. So, whatever anger is strong in you deserves your time and mine.

You shared that you were diagnosed with bpd, and so have I. Wikipedia: Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… * Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as ‘splitting’… * Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control…”

very well mind: “Many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience anger so intense it is often referred to as ‘borderline rage‘.  This anger sometimes comes in response to a perceived interpersonal slight—for example, feeling criticized”, choosing therapy. com: “Uncontrollable anger is prevalent for people with BPD. While not everyone with BPD will encounter this symptom, those who do (and the people around them), struggle greatly. Often referred to as BPD rage, this is an explosive reaction related to extreme anger.. Many individuals with BPD have low tolerance toward stressful and annoying situations. Trivial things can drive them over the edge and easily turn into an uncontrollable episode of ire”.

What do you think/ feel? Personally, I have a lot of experience with borderline rage on the receiving end (my mother being the source) and on the dispensing end (I exploded at people.. not at my mother, not at bad people, but at people who did not at all deserve it, sadly.. I wish I didn’t. I no longer do and I no longer fit the diagnosis otherwise).

anita