Hi Anita,

Thank you again for your response, means a lot to me that you’re taking the time to help me and let me know if I can repay the favour in any way.

Ok, being a man of strength and a man of my word is very important to me so I can see why I should be the one to contact her.

That said, I am indeed sure that I will not be okay with a friendship with her, as it stands currently. And I do still desire a romantic relationship with her.

I feel for this state of mind to change may take many more months if not years, and maybe I’m being naive or overly-attached given it’s my first real love, but maybe some part of me may forever desire to be in a romantic relationship with her.

Or maybe I’m not trying hard enough emotionally to let go and move on and accept friendship as the best way forward and develop the mental strength needed to pursue that.

I guess the problem I’m facing is, a strong man should be honest about his feelings / motivations (I’m unlikely to be okay being friends and desire her romantically), a strong man should also keep his word (I should re-initiate contact like I said I would), but if she feels that I’m still not over it and am trying to re-attract her that this will only push her in-love feelings further away.

Which is a conundrum.

We both live in Hong Kong and she’s relocating back to the US (where she’s from) in August. I was initially moving to the US with her.

In accepting a friendship it feels like there is very little for me to gain, and everything for me to lose (even if I “get over it” however long that takes, there’ll always be a risk that I’ll end up getting hurt again, esp if / when I hear about her being in another relationship). Not to mention further loss of dignity and self-respect by continuing to want her in my life when she has made the decision to not be a part of my life.

And she has everything to gain (comfort of knowing I am there as a “friend”) and nothing to lose.

I’m truly at a loss as to what to do.

If I don’t ever reach back out, I’m not a man of strength / my word.

If I reach out suggesting anything other than the fact I’m completely over it and happy to be friends, then it’ll just push her away.

And if I reach out suggesting to be friends, then I’m putting myself at risk of more pain and being disingenuous.

And if I wait to fully get over it and not desire her romantically, then this could take several months / years, after which reaching out wouldn’t matter anyway as we both would’ve moved on.

Do I need to simply continue to wait and process until I can fully let go and be ok with friendship (if I fully let go, which I’m not far from doing, then I dont necessarily want or need a friendship), and not re-initiate contact until then, irrespective of how long this process takes?

I’m completely at a loss as to what to do.

Sometimes I feel fully letting go and moving on is the most important thing, in which case I can message her in a few months or years however long it takes, or never. My true healing being the bigger priority here than keeping my word.

Other times I feel like I need to show her the new stronger version of me (as you suggest), as there’s always a chance those feelings can redevelop.

So I guess therein lies the contradiction.

In order to show her this side, I need to be okay with a relationship never happening. But if I’m truly okay with a relationship never happening and don’t “need” her friendship either, then I shouldn’t put myself in a position where I might get hurt again.

I guess I’m just repeating myself at this point.

Let’s say that the most important thing for me, above whether she falls for me again or not, is to be a man of integrity and strength, is to keep my word of reaching back out to her, and is to “reset” her last memory of me as someone strong rather than as someone weak.

And let’s say I reach a place of inner emotional strength that I’m okay with the idea of a relationship never happening and won’t feel hurt by this, but I’m also okay not needing a friendship per se.

What would be the best way forward and/or what should I say to her when I eventually re-initiate contact?

I feel like I’ve already lost all respect in her eyes by first pretending I was mutually ok with the breakup, then trying to get her back, then trying to be friends, then going NC, then saying I’ve accepted the breakup, then crying in front of her indicating that I’m not ok being friends, then saying I’m unsure how I feel, and now once again putting myself in a vulnerable spot by reaching out (and risking more confusion / pain) or never reaching out (and being seen as weak / not a many of my word).

I feel I’ve made every mistake in the book and have gone from someone she respected and loved to someone she doesn’t respect and love, or worse yet, looks down upon.

This process has caused me tremendous pain in the last 4/5 months, serious mental health issues, breaking down in tears every day, suicidal thoughts, anti-depressants, insomnia, anxiety, drop in job performance, etc.

Last month or so I’ve felt significantly better with the help of a therapist / gym / anti-depressants / mindfulness meditation / and regaining some sense of control after being honest in my very last message to her (I’m unsure and vulnerable and I’ll get back to you when I can).

I feel I’m healing fast and starting to feel quite positive about my future with or without her in my life.

The most important thing for me, above all, above getting her to fall for me again – is to pursue a path forward that restores my dignity and self-respect.

How do I do this?

Walk away forever now, or re-initiate contact as friends, get her to see the strong me one or two times, and then walk away forever.

Extremely sorry for rambling. Incredibly grateful for any advice you can provide and look forward to hearing from you.