Dear Hamza:

You are welcome, and (in regard to your apology in your most recent post): it’s okay to be incoherent at times.. you don’t have to be perfect here!

“Ok, being a man of strength and a man of my word is very important to me so I can see why I should be the one to contact her. That said, I am indeed sure that I will not be okay with a friendship with her, as it stands currently. And I do still desire a romantic relationship with her“- this is in your first of three recent posts, and it is as clear and coherent as can be.

“Maybe I’m not trying hard enough emotionally to let go and move on and accept friendship..“- when it comes to emotions, the harder you try to change them, the harder they persist and stay the same.

“If I reach out suggesting anything other than the fact I’m completely over it and happy to be friends, then it’ll just push her away“- I disagree: if you reach out to her and honestly tell her that you are not over her,  and therefore, you are not able to have a friendship with her, I don’t at all think that this honesty on your part will push her away.

“And if I reach out suggesting to be friends… And if I wait… I’m completely at a loss as to what to do.. I guess I’m just repeating myself at this point“- you are using your rational mind too much in matters that require the heart aka the emotional mind. You can’t solve complex emotional problems with the rational alone. When you try, you end up endlessly repeating yourself and getting nowhere.

“I am sure that as of right now, I’m not interested in a genuine friendship with her. I’m in a much better place mentally but the risk of regressing and getting hurt again if I opt to go down the friendship route is still high“- I agree that friendship with her is a bad idea.

“Yes I want another chance at a romantic relationship but I am prepared that this may never happen“- the thing about romantic love is that it is never guaranteed. Trying to make certain that it lasts forever is like trying to hold water with your bare hands: it’s impossible to do.

“What kind of message do I reach out with…  a path that allows me to show her the more balanced / caring / emotionally strong version of me one or two times, a path that isn’t disingenuous, and a path that allows me to walk away with grace and dignity and as little pain/regret as possible“-

– Here is what I suggest at this point of my understanding: answer her thoughtful, kind, thorough and honest message with an equally thoughtful, kind, thorough and honest message. Consider and edit (when you feel calm) what I suggest, so to make it your message, true and personal to you:

(1) In her email, she wrote to you: “The pain I felt during our relationship was too much“. Let her know that since the breakup, you focused on your own, post-breakup emotional pain, but you understand that she experienced a lot of emotional pain during the relationship, while you were unaware of it or indifferent to it. You understand that she broke up with you because she didn’t want to feel more of that pain, and you don’t want to cause her new pain by burdening her with your post-breakup pain: it won’t be fair to her. Your post-breakup pain is yours to carry, not hers.

(2) In her email, she wrote to you: “Let’s say we decide to spend time together occasionally over the next few months and see where things go. I fear that… I still will not be able to fall in love with you again. And… that will hurt you even more than you are hurting now, and will drag out that anguish longer“. Thank her very much for caring about your feelings, for not wanting you to hurt. Tell her that you feel that a friendship is a bad idea for the two of you because what you really want with her is not a friendship, but a love relationship, and therefore you cannot be content with a friendship alone; that a friendship is very likely to indeed cause you anguish. Tell her that you don’t want to drag out any anguish for yourself, nor do you want her to be touched by such unnecessary anguish.

(3) Thank her for her honesty, her thoughtfulness and love, tell her that you are forever grateful. Tell her that you want her back as a girlfriend (partner, you choose the word), but you respect her feelings and her wishes, and you want her to do what is right for her. Tell her that she does not owe you anything and that she owes herself a better life and a better relationship than the one she had with you.

– this is it. The message should not be long. I wouldn’t include in the message any talk about how much you hurt or have hurt, nothing further about what you learned from the relationship , no suggestion as to meeting her in-person, nothing about the upcoming July wedding… Nothing about the future and nothing at all that may burden her. Think of this message in terms of her benefit, not yours. After all, this is what love is about, isn’t it?

I see this a message as your best bet, your best chance for a lasting and improved mental health for yourself and for her- separately or together.

anita