Hello Anita..

There are a few things that come to mind when reading through..

In all my relationships, these were/are men that wanted only what they wanted.. and for me to slot into that equation. My husband just did his own thing, in the form of seeing other women behind my back, hanging out with his mates with me in tow, moto-x with his father whilst i cheered on the sidelines. I looked after him and our house, listened when he felt troubled, supported him with very little in return, he wasn’t there for me when i really needed him.. I like I wasn’t enough, I felt alone.

My next partner.. he was very full on to start with, we’d go out to eat, for days and evenings out, we’d take all the kids out, hang out at each others houses. I’d calm him when he was angry, listen when he was frustrated, I tried my best to compromise on matters that were important only to be told that I just wanted everything my way or no way, or I was being silly. I helped him find and take part in new activities – golf, working out because he’d said he felt his social life had closed in on him. I encouraged and taught him to cook when he said he couldn’t do it. Again, when I really needed him, he wasn’t there for me, I felt unimportant, and alone.

Number 3.. he was very cruel.. I’d cooked dinner for us once, only for him to berate it and he said he’d cook for us in future because he was really good at it. He dissed my style saying I needed to dress better. On the flip side he’d say how I was great at cooking deserts, and looked good I the dress he picked.. he was volatile. I listened and I did.. he ‘supported’, ‘cared for’ me although that’s not what it felt like. I couldn’t do anything but listen and do.. I felt worthless and alone. I guess because I could support/care for him etc.. I ended the relationship pretty swiftly in comparrison to all my other relationships.

No. 4 with Bipolar.. I supported, I cared, I listened, I helped him with all sorts of difficulties he was having over the time we were together. But I’m aware I also enabled him to rely on me which was probably the worst thing I could have done. There was nothing at all in return from him, apart from demands for more from me and I continued to enable. I felt emotionally drained, worthless and very alone.

No. 5.. the nice guy.. he was very full on to start with, we’d go out to eat, for days and evenings out, hang out at each others houses with and without our kids (all un their teens by now). I listened to him poor out his feelings of loneliness (guess that’s why I tried so hard to find time to spend with him??). I joined him and his mates for nights out where I’d be left at the table practically ignored whilst he socialised, but when he joined me with my friends I’d be by his side, introduce him to people etc. I joined him at some of the footy matches he’d go to watch, but he never joined me on the things I enjoyed, apart from walking. I supported him through some tough moments, but he wasn’t there when I really needed him. Yet again, I felt like I wasn’t enough, and alone.

And A.. same story, different guy..

When I look at my family dynamics in comparison to my relationships.. I see a similar pattern.. I listened, helped, supported, calmed, looked after.. Mum couldn’t do the same for me because she relied on me.. Dad was working, he was there for in the sense that he would listen when i needed to talk, he supported me with my studies and leisure activities.. my brother was unable to be there for me.. I don’t remember feelings of loneliness growing up, I guess I had school and my friends though and my clubs and activities, hanging out with the kids round my area.. always busy  never a chance to feel alone. Around the age of 11, or 12, when I moved from primary school into high school I remember the feeling of not really fitting in and feeling alone, but despite that would try my best to do so. I always felt like I had to prove my worth throughout my teenage years though, because of not feeling like I fitted in.

If I look at my work life it has always revolved around helping and supporting others to achieve things – I worked as a personal trainer/fitness coach, in a hospital, in a nursery looking after babies and toddlers, in a school for one to one support, and as a support worker and carer over the last several years.. its where I feel most comfortable I guess.. its what I know and I know I’m good at it in that context.. but very obviously not within the context of a relationship. I’ve not intentionally meant to behave in the way I have/do in my relationships, I just do it instinctively. And even when I know the relationship is not right for me, I override my gut instinct and plough on believing if I just do a bit more, of I am a bit more then things will change. Its not changed within my family relationship, so goodness knows why I think it will be any different within my relationships. I allow them to be one sided, I allow myself to stay when it’s not right for me. I couldn’t say no to my mum, dad and brother, I can’t now.. and in my relationships I was the same, I am the same.

And then at the bottom of the pile, after everyone else is okay.. I put myself.. I guess its no wonder I feel alone, especially within a relationship.. and feel worthless when nothing comes back..