Hi Seaturtle

I totally empathize, I know how hard triggers are to deal with in relationships.

My husband’s family is loud, my husband is loud, his voice is quite deep. When he is excited he can be loud, when he is surprised he can be loud, when he is upset he can be loud.

Loudness for me is a trigger when it comes to disagreements. It makes me feel like I am being shouted at. My mother shouted horrible things at me growing up and it lead to violence. Even if my husband isn’t saying anything mean, his loudness during disagreements makes me feel afraid like I did back then.

When I get triggered during disagreements I shut down. I stop talking for about 20 minutes. This helps me to calm down. This in turn triggers him because he’s had previous partners ignore him for a long time.

Like your partner my husband tries not to trigger me. He manages it maybe 80% of the time. But he isn’t perfect, no one is. And his loudness is a part of him. I’ve learned that I should accept him for who he is.

He’s learned that my PTSD is a part of me and if I need to be quiet for 20 minutes to feel better, he accepts that.

It wasn’t easy to get to this point. It’s been a journey figuring out how to communicate with each other in the relationship. We even went to couples therapy.

It’s understandable to feel hurt, and for him to be sensitive to your needs. People can only do so much though and it was important for me to learn that just because I don’t feel okay, doesn’t mean that something is wrong or that it needs to be fixed. Sometimes practicing self-care is the most important thing.

Likewise, he needs to accept your trauma response. It is going to keep happening at times in the relationship, it’s impossible for him to not trigger you at all. Obviously, he struggles with how to handle it sometimes. Are there times when he handles your trauma response well? What does he do differently in this case?

Regarding the lateness, does he text you when he is going to be late? Or does he just let you wait for him? Perhaps there are some things that you could plan to do, to make you feel more comfortable when he is late?

For example, my husband was frequently late after hanging out with friends. Having fun and losing track of time. I asked him to tell me when he was planning to leave and then I would ask him at that time if he thought he would get home later. This helped me to understand what was happening and feel better.

I hope that there is a practical solution that you might both find helpful.

Hmm well I’ve always found journalling helpful for making decisions. But emotions are also important. I would say that personally, I don’t make decisions when I’m feeling upset. I wait until I’m feeling calmer. I think that is the most accurate reflection of how I truly feel about something when I am calm.

So I guess, outside of being triggered. Or feeling disconnected and awkward. When you are feeling calm, how do you feel about your partner and the difficulties that you’ve both experienced in the relationship?

You’re right on the money. That’s exactly what happens when children are unable to manage their parents moods and they’re actively told that they are to blame by their parents. They start to blame themselves. But it is the parents responsibility to manage how they feel. It is the parents responsibility to make their children to feel loved, safe and protected. Your father failed you in this way. It wasn’t your fault, it never was. It was his.

Love and best wishes! 🙏