Hi Anita,

thank you so much for writing back .

Almost everything you wrote resonated with me deeply , especially the “parentification” I’ve never heard that term used before and I really want to find out more about it because I think it could relate a lot to my childhood trauma.

ive actually disassociated or blocked out a lot of the memories from my childhood but they keep coming back in my dreams sometimes . I’ve also felt like I don’t matter a lot, like when my parents used to fight ( usually caused by my dad’s drinking and coming home late ) I used to fantasize about running away from home or meeting a rich prince to sweep me off my feet so I wouldn’t have to deal with family problems anymore.

My mom disappeared for two years while I was growing up , so that’s how I ended up taking care of my brother and I guess my dad in a way. We grew up in an Eastern European country during communism and I later learned my mom defected. For 2 years I had almost no contact with her and believed she abandoned everything and everyone .
Then we were reunited in Canada and my life once again got turned upside down, this time trying to look after my mom who went through some kind of personal hell with the whole immigration process and was never quite the same person, she seemed detached and indifferent about me. She talked about being in a refugee camp and not having enough food and seeing people get murdered and I felt really bad for her that she had to make such “sacrifices” just to bring us to Canada .

And so I always feel like I’m not enough , not brave enough, not grateful enough. I didn’t know about PTSD back then, she probably needed help with that. I always just thought I was a bad apple of the family and that’s why she’s so distant and sad all the time or else bursting out with anger at me over everything. Like walking on eggshells.

sorry I’m going on about my childhood now , just trying to make a connection as to how to deal with all this now as an adult . Because in all honesty I feel like I’m still 10 years old and trying to make sense of everything.

i never had children of my own because I was always too scared that I wouldn’t know how to raise them right , that I would end up just as neglectful and emotionally unavailable as my mom.

also , I was never close to my dad, growing up he scared me , he was an abusive drunk . Now I just feel sorry for him and feel the need to help him somehow .

sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who has any input.

natalia