Dear Anita,

Thanks for your response! I think for sure partly guilt. I have left them alone before, but they were physically stronger than. My dad is now bed bound and my mum is also struggling with her health. BUT I think also – for many years now, I have tried to keep my alignment with my needs as the compass (leaving for masters to a different country, leaving jobs that were toxic, moving out of my parents, living alone for my mental health needs, even though having a roommate would make things financially easier, prioritizing people who fill my cup emotionally). But something I realised was, even though my mum, for eg. does not fill my emotional cup in one way, she takes care of me in her own way and I have started being able to receive and value that. When things were rough this last year – I didnt feel able to go to anyone but her, all of my friends had their own lives and priorities and feel like the “other”, while parents and family feel like “belonging”. My ex who i loved very much was also able to walk away without looking back, and there is something that feels deeply wrong about being able to leave so easily. I think im very strongly also feeling the need for continuity with the people in my life – resolving conflict over time again and again, setting boundaries again and again, maintaining relationships, knowing that the people I have in my life today will also be there tmw unless something really big happens (like a death or something). I am tired of letting people go and people letting me go. And I fear moving will mean a lot of people letting me go. I have invested a lot into trying to build my happiness here these last 5 years, and letting that investment go. Letting go of the identity of someone who wants to do something big for my country. It just feels like so much more loss over loss that I have already experienced in these last few years (loss of a very close aunt through death, loss of 3 other close family elders through death, loss of a very trusted mentor for reasons unknown to me, the loss of watching my parents health deteriorate, the loss of my ex, the loss of the dreams and life I thought I would have by this age, the loss of watching my parents age)- there is so much grief I don’t know how to handle it and familiarity feels like the only thing that brings comfort right now. Loss feels like a shock to my system right now and I feel very small as I write this, and very much needing comfort and maybe even something or someone to anchor onto externally.

This is turning into a diary style journal entry lol so thank you for reading this as I am sure you will <3. I greatly appreciate your dependability Anita , it is a very rare thing. There is a lot to process and unpack because so much has happened in the last few years and I can still feel a lot internally that needs to be expressed in this way but I feel the need to stop for now. Thank you for reading again and take care.

M