Hi Anita, i didnt see there was a second page and started answering before i read the rest!

Thanks for the description of RSD, it does sound like my experiences..i guess that you would say you have to find the root cause of the sadness to stop from overfeeling? Or does that make a difference? Do i just continue with the same experiences because it is how i am made up. For instance, i could say, Well im a scorpio, a water sign and people will immediately roll their eyes because this is typified as someone who is intense, emotional and deep or mysterious. What you identify with in your head though is what matters and it takes enormous will power to convince myself that i can be something else.

Hi Tee, it sounds like a similar family experience to mine. There was no violence, no shouting even but my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak. I know that he comes from a similar experience with his mom so its perhaps not surprising but it was a negative effect on us kids growing up. We basically learnt…that bullies always win. My mom could victimize herself easily with him being very apologetic. I believe in fact many people have grown up with this dynamic either way if they had two parents. Inevitably, with two people there is a push and pull of competition with each other and affection.

That “dual” mentality, my subconscious being from that background and my consciousness knowing what is in fact right, is very difficult for me. I get tired easily by my thoughts going left and right trying to work it out, the uncertainty wins. And in social situations i often dont follow what is going on, the subtexts below the talking. I reckoned, if i was “nice” in life, id get by but that is far from the case! you get crushed by the people who are out there looking to win against other people. I feel like there is always a lot of jealousy around me and i cant control it, how others react to me, but it ruins everything. I often feel angry that other people are rude, mean or wonder what their problem is. I know what it is though…they want attention. Maybe my childhood has made me cold, unreactive…but then again, i have to defend myself against what i perceive as possible danger right?

I do try to do the small things, and have been. Its not always successful, but ive been conscious of just being kinder to myself if possible. Im well aware theres no such thing as the perfect childhood. People i will come across will have been through stuff. I just want to be able to function enough to have friends, a relationship. It felt lately like everything just fell away. I got resentful about friends not answering my texts, not able to meet. Then tired, then depressed. Not a big surprise.

Thanks again