Hi Anita, Hi Tee, Thanks for your messages

Its been a while and ive been seeing a therapist.

So far, not really getting much further, just talking about feelings. Its tiring to dredge through thoughts and try to make sense, i so wish i wasnt in my situation…The therapist is talking about the emotional child state and the rational adult state..fair enough. I think she feels im trapped still in my early adolescent child state when it comes to relationships. Im tired of looking to my parents as a source of my problems..even if they fit a picture, they have been supportive through this. I know you might say its perpetuating a certain pattern in my life but right now..i have no one else really around me.

im aware that losing my work (which i strongly felt a sense of worth through) has had a terrible affect but its also the way it naturally seemed to play out so unfairly. I lost my main job and then due to similar circumstances changing the market, my second job decided they would not continue working with me…they had given me enough notice and i just drifted to the finish line going through the motions. …. After i lost this side job i just sank into a big depression and felt cut off and isolated from the social circle i had (my work colleagues).

My attempts last year to widen my circle of friends and meet someone to date also were painful and unsuccessful…depressing again to think of. I have a hard time with social stuff and often find myself feeling attacked by others, i guess i come across as too soft with others but its not in fact how i am…in any case, social interactions are like a minefield of intentions, game playing and hierarchical domination…i read so much into it that in the end id rather not try! Dating used to be pretty easy…now it seems the guys i met were distant, not compatible or just plain looking for a quick connection..not my thing.

Therapist and family both saying just take your time and be kind to yourself. I just find that really hard…i feel myself getting frustrated and angry all the time. I want things to work NOW. Small things going wrong in the day have almost sent me over the edge…. I dont really know how to get out of that negative spiral. I get upset and just think this is fate, im failing in every way. Then i try and take a breath, take a break…get so tired by the problems and overthinking that i cant do anything productive.

I cant let go of the need, the feeling i need, to achieve things..to compete and do well compared to others. By contrast a friend of mine who also left the same company has been going from strength to strength, business going well, even meeting a nice guy online. Im not talking about lover forever..but just that its going well is a real sting to me…he has even helped her get a project doing something she always wanted to do.  Im never really jealous but now i just felt really like life is giving to other people and not to me..I was happy for her but at the same time she seemed to be rubbing it in my face. She and I used to hang out a lot but now she´s too busy most of the time (or not wanting to meet) and tells me casually about things she is doing (with others). Finally i just got angry about it and stopped replying to her, i know its childish but im going through a really hard time and have this sinking feeling that we are moving apart naturally and i should move on.

I can see there are others who feel this way, either lost their purpose or have been mutely going through the motions, feeling stuck. Im now at another crossroads in my life where i have to make some big decisions and im frightened to do the wrong thing. Im aware that you can´t in fact “make the wrong move” when life is a question of trial and error anyway (and so, to give myself a break) but my fear is still there.  I dont want to be in this situation, if i look at others they seem fortunate. I also just dont have faith that what i put my heart into will be a success, ive seen so much disappointment that i cant bear any more.

So im not doing much…just day to day stuff and feeling uneasy about time passing but unable to shake the depressed feeling. I dont know if any of this introspection will lead anywhere.