Hi Anita,

Thanks for your response!
I took some time to process it and am now revisiting it since I have a longer break from work this week.

I am rereading this thread – I guess I am now in a place of being used to the idea that I will have to leave.

There is an underlying conflict I am experiencing – In the past couple of months, I have had the opportunity to do some of the things that I was dreading – engaging with different stakeholders, supervising a team- and while it has been busy, it has also been not going horribly, which is giving me a boost in confidence. My mentor says I stay too much in my comfort zone – that I don’t push out of it enough and it limits my potential to achieve because I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success- because I don’t want to be seen, or to receive attacks, or to feel I am bogged down by responsibility.

On the other hand- I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself. When I imagine a future travelling around, while it sounds fun for a short while it also sounds like I would get cynical and tired after a while of just chasing my own pleasure.

I guess my ideal situation would allow me to be of service without putting restraints on me in terms of presence or time, but I don’t know whether that is possible, because it being so far outside the norm for the development sector that I stand alone as a bit of an eccentric character who is campaigning for better work life balance in a situation which is so resource limited that competition and exploitation are both very high and normalised, so a work life balance is not a priority or even an entertainable concept for anyone outside of myself (everyone around me has hustle mentality). From what I know of public service/social workers by talking to friends and family who do this type of work in the UK /new zealand/US/canada this seems to be a pretty universal experience.

I have some ideas for what I want to explore as ways of finding this balance, and I guess a part of me does also believe it is possible to find.

I guess for now I am curious about how you and others might approach giving back/service, and balancing that with personal joy.

With warmth,
M