Tim,

Your notion of “the one” appears to be based on unrealistic expectations. Judging from the anecdote you’ve provided, your feelings of limerence becomes stronger when you both are in the throes of emotional drama but weaken when you face the realities of a long term relationship. You may have confused pangs of emotions such as desire for what is practical and tangible, and the thought of the future threatens those flood of emotions. Do not confuse feelings of jealousy for authenticity, that is a primitive territorial habit over things that we think “belong to us”. I don’t believe it is a “fear” of commitment, as it is encouraged for you to seriously re-examine what actually constitutes a real and healthy relationship and if that is what is suited for you at this point in your life. Have you perhaps been involved in a conflict habituated relationship with your ex (i.e., make up and break up cycles)? If so, it is advised to seek ways to break out of that habit, as its clouding your judgment and will poison future relationships. Authentic relationships require a lot of work, and those feel-good dopamine floods of desire, lust and ecstasy is unfortunately short-lived and require creativity to spark. This may sound harsh but no person is going to be able to provide feelings of ecstasy forever, those feelings will fade, and perhaps that is what scares you. So you play the make-up and break-up game to regain those lost emotions, which is ultimately destructive not only to you, but to Lou’s self-esteem; this is not fair to her if it is true that she seeks an authentic connection. You seem to acknowledge this, but continue to be carried away by your whirlwind emotions; why?

Do not rationalize why you tend to follow impulsive emotions over everything by reaffirming Lou’s good qualities; it can be very insulting to her. She may be thinking, “Well if you think I’m so great, then what gives?” Do not place that burden on her. Check yourself, ask yourself why it is the way you are. Perhaps your brain chemistry requires a lot of feel-good emotions to keep up relationship happiness, if thats the case, I suggest that you think up date ideas that provides as much novelty for you as possible and a match that is willing and able to keep up. Maybe take up a hobby that you can branch out to your relationships, such as hiking or mountain climbing, as the exercise and the inherent potential danger (excitement) can create a healthy emotional outlet for your needs.

Best wishes.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Fiyuhfry.