Hi Inkrid 🙂

I have a pretty straightforward reply, just to warn you. The first part could be a little tough (not sure how you’ll take it, but hang in there until the end).

Frankly, I think the first thing I would do is be sad. It sounds like you may not have a lot of outright fighting with him, but he still hasn’t been there for you when you needed him. Maybe in a financial sense, but not in an emotionally or relationally supportive way. I sense at least a little bit of anger toward him in your post. You don’t have to express those feelings toward him if you don’t want to, but I encourage you to give yourself permission to feel them all the way before you do anything else. You don’t have to act on them, just feel them and accept they are there.

The reason for this is that admitting to yourself that a parent hasn’t really been there for you is a loss, even if you might not be losing the physical person. To admit this is also to admit that he may not change anytime soon, and no matter what you do you can’t control that. He will have to make some choices for himself to engage in the relationship. Letting go of that responsibility is freeing, but it can feel like a loss at the same time because you are giving up the expectation of him being there for you in that way.

Once you’ve released yourself from trying to control his end of things, you can make some decisions for yourself.The other thing I hear in your words is a lot of understanding for him and his situation. It probably is hard for him to reach out and connect if he feels like people are only interested in him for his money. I wonder if this has held you back from expressing your needs to him? You can’t control his reaction, but you can make the choice to tell him what you need and then leave it up to him. Given the family dynamics, will you make a choice about whether or not to recieve any money from him? Will you let him know what you need emotionally from him, or keep quiet for now? Will you keep trying to contact him for now, or explain to him how taxing it is an let him know that if he doesn’t reach out too you can’t keep doing this? Will you let him know why his relationship is so important to you? Will you cut him off, or leave the door open for him to contact you in the future? These are some questions to ask yourself.

I hope some of this helps. Whatever happens, you’re worth a parent’s love. Sometimes parents just have their own issues and are kind of clueless on how to give it. I would focus on giving yourself some of that nurturance first, rather than looking for it in someone else. You know yourself better than anyone; who better to love you than you?

Warm prayers for you and your family,
Jessa