Mina,

In contrast to some of the other kindly advice, I don’t think drinking is his problem. The drinking and sex seem to revolve around the same basic issue… low self esteem, leading to poor stress coping techniques. Consider for a moment looking at our happiness as a light inside us. When that light gets challenged, we feel pushed to rekindle it.

For him, it sounds like alcohol and sex are things he does to try to feel better. A few drinks or an orgasm later, and he’s back to stable ground, feeling balanced, stable, stress-less. The “flash-bang” of the booze or sex rekindles that happiness, chemically in his brain. Its pretty common, and he sounds like he’s flirting with addiction, by the “no-breaks” and the porn-like variations in his desire.

The solution for him is to find better habits for dealing with stress. Artistic endeavors would probably be great for him, he sounds like a dreamer. However, walks in nature, healthy eating, meditation… anything that removes the “life-grind” feeling and opens the space around him, letting him relax and unwind without the flash-bang.

Its up to him, of course, and nothing you do will change him. However, you can encourage him, be there for him, and offer your side… and hopefully that’ll help enough. It really depends on how much crud, how low the esteem, and so forth.

For you, you’ll have to find acceptance that he simply is who he is. Don’t “lean into” his cycle, it’ll just disorient you, wondering if you could do something better, help him in such and such a way. All just draining, codependent, worthless for you both.

Instead, focus your attentions on your own journey. He’ll find what he’ll find, and grow as he needs to. Out of your hands. What’s in your hands is the desire inside you to explore, fly, experience and grow. That’s noble, that’s where you’ll find your own heartsong. Then, you’ll be able to reach for and grow the life you want. Such as, if you want deep eye looking during sex, you’ll find it. With him, with another, who knows… but it won’t be a cycle of “wanting X and getting Y”. You’ll ask for what you want, and help your partner find you. If he doesn’t, you’ll know you tried and feel comfortable moving on.

From a different direction, if his actions are thorny to you and your heart, that’s fine. Offer the thorns you feel to him, and if he chooses to come to the plate and try, growing toward you, woohoo. Sometimes role-play, sometimes deep looking. If he can’t, doesn’t see the value in your desires,or in other ways doesn’t seem to be aiming at the same kind of intimacy you are, it may be time to turn away. That’s really between you and your heart, which is wiser than any words. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt