Thank you Plaedes for your courage to be honest about where you are at in your life, in your mind! For me, that is always the mark of a beginning on the road to healing and finding a solution. I also consider myself a perfectionist and can relate to your post. I am also a yogini and woman of recovery and have been for over a decade.

I have struggled with alcohol, drug addiction, nicotine addiction and food addiction. What I have found over the years is that the substances were just the bandaids I would use to help escape feeling feelings. The greatest motivating feeling that I have had and still sometimes have to numb out with some external substance is self-centered FEAR.

I had a physically and verbally abusive father and I found that as a child the only way I could elicit love from him was to act out in ways of perfection to get his positive attentions. I began molding my thoughts in relation to how he would see me and give me praise and not a beating. Soon that thought pattern extended to all my relationships. My “bottom” before I entered into 12-step recovery was colored with thoughts of constantly comparing myself to others, having tremendous anxiety in the most benign day-to-day situations. I am a runner. When I don’t like my feeling I try to escape. With the support of others in recovery like me, a community of yogi’s and the slow development in a belief that is all my own, I have found freedom. Freedom from addiction, from fear and from the perception that life is revolving around me. I have found joy in service and commitment and courage to say “NO” to others, which is huge for this people pleaser!

I like to think that the last decade of my life I didn’t just make a “final” attempt to fix my life, but rather a decision to be an active participant to continually assess my life and make small changes as a work in progress.

~ MJ