Big Blue,

I enjoy your question, and pardon if I answer it a little backwards. 🙂 To me, the question comes down to morality, such as rules we force ourselves to follow, versus wisdom, such as knowing what is and choosing skillfully.

Consider “don’t punch the kid next to you”, for instance, is a value, moral, a rule that seems helpful. When we’re four, its good to have such rigid structures. “Don’t go near the stove, bedtime, chew your food”, and so on. These lessons build into a morality, a way of moving, choosing.

As we develop, we can trade morality for wisdom. “Right and wrong” dissolve into “true and false”. We don’t have to consider punching our neighbor “wrong” or “bad”, we can simply see how it causes four wounds, so why make that choice? (Fist, neighbor, our mind, neighbors mind). Osho said that being moral is about being alert. When alert to the karma, the effects of our choices, we naturally choose more skillfully. We don’t choose to burn our hand needlessly, so “stay away from the stove” drops as a rule. Etc.

How this ties into romance, and intimate connections, isn’t so much “value conflict”, in my opinion, but rather “different vision”. My teacher advised me that it wasn’t sharing desires, values, or hobbies, (though those help), but rather whether or not the couple is seeing the same basic things. Looking out at a similar world. Mountain to climb? Garden to tend? Rome to conquer? What’s the theme of your song? The flavor of the view?

When the same basic vision is being shared, the wisdom grows in the same direction, and so do the explorers. Value conflicts become simple to compromise, because the core of the intimacy remains stable, fertile.

Namaste, friend, and thank you for all the delicate light you share.

With warmth,
Matt