John,

A regular metta practice helps with racing mind. All those questions, vibrations, emotions and whatnot don’t need to be dealt with, stomped out. Open the space, and they simply vanish little by little over time. The “I” stuff that keeps pulling you down is connected to the stress, and not “something you have to figure out” for peace of mind. Remember its not throwing new ideas into a pool that stops the surface from rippling. The basic loop is “bodily stress->cyclical thinking about self->stressed about thinking->arrow after arrow->bodily stress”. Always so harsh, always so contentious. Where is your tenderness for John? Where is your acceptance for John? Too scared that the cycles are never ending? Trying to jump off a burning boat that follows you around?

Try “hmmm, maybe it isn’t beneficial to stew in my own suffering, and if I put my butt on a cushion and do what needs doing, the clouds will clear, and I can begin to blossom the life I wish to live, the characteristics I find noble.”

From another direction, consider telling a doctor “it hurts when I walk”, she says “yep, sprained, stay off it and it will heal”, and what happens next? The imperious rooster on your shoulder says “run, weakling”, so off you go running. Next week, you goto the doctor…

With warmth,
Matt