Lorraine,

Its very common to form deep attachments to our first romantic love… it usually happens when we’re children, deeply ignorant of the painful aspects of love. This leads to a dream-love, or an infatuation with the idea of a person, instead of the person. Consider, you describe this man as your prince charming (in your heart), even though he sounds like he acted more like a villain in your story. Said differently, sometimes we fall in love when we’re young, more vulnerable, and beings that haven’t earned our tender attentions somehow get them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that you really dodged a bullet by not marrying that guy. He sounds codependent, wishy washy, and adulterous. Charming, but more pathological than heartfelt. Sure, he may have wined and dined you, played a good boy for a few days while visiting, but then sleeping around and betraying your connection while you were at the other coast. Dispel the dream, dear sister, he ain’t no prince.

For the emotional outbursts that overwhelm you, consider a mantra of letting go. “May whatever karma that remains between us be settled, may we be free. I forgive him for any actions, thoughts, or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. I forgive myself for any actions, thoughts or desires that have lead to either of us suffering. May I be free.” Wield this kind of thought against the anger, grief, and with time it settles. The most difficult part of grief is keeping away from lamentation, such as “poor me, I’ll never, I’ll always”, so its good to let the tears flow, but hold our head high and let the pain settle, the past settle. That’s when our tears become more joyous. “Yes, I’m sad, and what a sadness!”

Finally, consider surrendering your difficulties and issues into a tender hearted conversation with your husband. Here and now, this ex-boyfriend has pressed hard into your heartsong, and if you can share it with your husband, asking for help, perhaps his tender attentions will remind you that some dreams fade, but better dreams grow from their ashes. Perhaps ask him to rub your shoulders, feet, or lower back, or take you out dancing. Something that you really want, need, but have been hesitant to ask. Now’s a good time! Let your husband show you why your heart chose wisely, and the fear may open up into relief and laughter.

With warmth,
Matt