BLAICE-SPECIFIC POINTS

These are probably most beneficial to me but hopefully they can act as underscores for others.

1) Try to understand that oftentimes you will simply derive loss from missing the relationship instead of the individual person. If you find yourself obsessing over particular memories but remain at a loss as to why and how someone you care about could hurt you, try to focus on the relationship in and of itself as it will help silhouette the person and compartmentalise the pain.

2) Try to rationalise your loss introspectively (however hard this might be) but do not project an expectation of that same rationality in the other person. Simply: do not orient a mature or reasonable explanation with an immature or unreasonable person.

3) Try not to feel loss for a person who so readily was willing to discard you as it only proves they loved you conditionally. Look at the circumstances of your relationship: would you really want to continue investing your heart and spirit into something that required several boxes to be ticked indefinitely?

4) Try to avoid the desire to force a relationship to work, as in, to programme someone into the person you want them to be (and vice versa) – another unhealthy aspiration. Likewise, do not allow your vulnerability to conform you to the idea that co-dependence is the only affirmation of happiness or validation of existence.

5) Try to seek closure if it is accessible but do not consider it necessary to your recovery. Many people emphasise that a lack of appropriate reasoning is obstructive to the healing process, placing high expectations on gaining a few simple answers as to why the relationship broke down. If you find yourself chasing reasons as to why that person hurt you, consider that if you finally got those ‘reasons’ they likely would not be sufficient enough anyway.

6) Try, if tolerable, to avoid the desire to erase the person completely from your life; erasing physical or virtual ties is not commensurate with erasing hurt, in fact it could stultify the healing process. Complete erasure is generally unrealistic and could dictate a state of heightened sensitivity, residual hurt, and emotional relapse later on.

7) Try to admit that on some level you brought ‘fault’ to the relationship. Whether or not this was marginally destructive or the absolute catalyst in its demise, relationships are a biological and emotional uncertainty. However, never accept that these ‘faults’ are intrinsically malign. Rather, learn to accept that people are pathologically different and simply one action or reaction is open to much (mis)interpretation.

8) Try to surround yourself with friends; seek counsel through experiential reciprocity.

9) Try not to coerce your recovery or preoccupy yourself with getting ‘better’ by someone else’s convention – time is curative in a period relative only to you.

10) Try not to let any of these points dictate your emotional healing. They are simply advice. Do whatever the fuck you need to do.

11) Try, when ready, to reflect both on the good and bad aspects of the relationship. Loss has a capricious way of suddenly downplaying the ‘bad’ and accentuating the ‘good’. Care and consideration is essential.

12) Try to come back and re-read these points at different stages. It is natural only to be receptive to certain help at certain periods of time.