Hi, @requin. I’ve brung her up before but the girl I was dating for a couple of months – well, not so much dating as getting to know more intensely than one otherwise would – did the same thing as your ex. I challenged her for reasons, saying something along the lines of ‘there’s always a scoreboard, whether conscious or not’, and all I got was, ‘I guess you caught me in a vulnerable moment and I wanted to be close with someone and now I realise I don’t want anything like that and I don’t really have the time anyway’. When I couldn’t entirely accept this, I started disclosing my own likely assumptions on why it wasn’t working, all of which she was only too eager to tick as effects. I can’t lie though, I knew it was coming, I got to the point where I was completely and utterly gritting my teeth to impress this girl when no one should ever have to try and be someone they’re not. She later told me, when I brought up some of the things she did that reassured her 100% interest in me, that the whole time she was ‘still making up [her] mind’. It’s funny to write these recent sentiments of ‘needing closure’ on a topic I actually made called ‘YOU DON’T NEED CLOSURE’. I guess it’s an ongoing struggle. What a pitiful demise to something that started so exhilaratingly and not at all ambivalently. Just like you stated, when all was said and done, my closure from this specific girl came in the form of extremely vague answers and blatant skirting techniques. I even wonder, like you, if she even really knew. I’m so glad you brought up the avoidance issues and typified that as a personality because I feel some of what you described of your partner is directly reflective of this girl. Although I would definitely hasten you to not revise the past in a way that might shed hopeful light on a future that can now never happen. It’s exactly the same as closure; the ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ do nothing but stultify our processing of the relationship and prevent us from accepting that, regardless of what happened, it’s now over. Obviously, as I say this I’m overcome by a myriad of the same questions – questions that turn to regrets, regrets that turn to frustrations, and frustrations that turn into feelings of anger, resentment, and ultimately loss. It’s really heartbreaking, I can understand this. I’m even more affected by your testimony given I’m half that guy’s age and have always confidently presumed that by that age we are so much more capable to love and care and appreciate others. I’m reminded of a song called ‘Desperado’ by Eagles, chiefly one line in particular that really shred me when I realised my (much earlier) commitment/trust/intimacy issues: ‘you better let somebody love you… before it’s too late’. I hope, for their sakes, that people like that can find someone because when I was over-critical I used to elect anything as reason to leave a relationship. It was immature. People like that need to understand that, unfortunately, sometimes it can get too late and so many times I hear regret and lamentation from the people who have realised they had a good thing much later after they actively got rid of it. Relationships are never infinite but neither is human life. We need to find what works for us ‘now’ and give our 100% to that, because anything less contradicts my idea of love. Lastly, the ‘doesn’t have time for a relationship’ is a damn poor excuse. I’m sorry, but at 50+ I think I would’ve had my whole life to mow the lawn, hang out with mates, and work overtime. His idea of being with you antagonises my principles because he’s listed ‘everyday’ occurrences as temporal preclusions to having a relationship. How sad. I’ve been regularly dating lately, more or less just to detach from the most recent women who I invested too much into. In my experience, there are those who will make time for you and those who won’t – why get preoccupied with asking ‘whys’ of the people who are disinterested when it’s already obvious they are not simpatico with our expecations. Just like your situation, I think if someone truly likes you they will make time to see you or if it’s a longer term relationship, then they will have had enough idea that this is something you need out of it and to compromise accordingly.