I was abused at the age of 6 by neighbour. I have been adamant from my childhood. I never use to understand what others use to say. I have been very emotionalto whatever people use to say..then my father got transferred to another place.At the age of 8 i was abused again..from that time onwards i use to get attached to guys soon.i was more comfortable with boys rather with girls.I have always lead life in which i was always depressed and lived in the fear of inferiority complex.people always made fun and avoided me stating that i am not good looking and short heighted, not good at anything.I was not like other children to let go off. i take evrything to the heart. I lacked love, patience, real friend….hence i have nevr loved myself and i dont what is love and how to love myself..even i ask anyone whats the definition they just make fun of me…i felt that i dont have good perseverance and grasping power like other children.

when i was small my father went a surgery and his pitutary glands were removed. he is very much old and traditional type of person.he was over protective and over secured.he didnt like minglinging with others and short tempered.never allowed me to grow as i want..eventhough theygave me good advice i cant take in positive sense rather i get frustrated bcoz i get hurted soon and i sit and cry..people say when we cry we get relief..i get relief for the moment again after few days i am the same.

people have always avoided and made fun of me among friend circle, public and in family..i have never been able to grow my interest or hobbies bcoz we always had financial problems. after my graduation…my parents got settled in the native.. i got job in networking in another state..there i had an affair with a guy, i had physical relation for three years, then he got married to someone else who was more beautiful, and better job than mine…i was shattered and broke myself. i always had adjustmental problem with people bcoz of my behaviourof getting emotional and hurt soon. when my boyfriend left many people approached me showing love and i fall for all of them.bcoz since my childhood i have been in search of love. so ihad sex with 5 people my life..i believe who ever smiles or shows or act to care for me and saythat they love me.

i resigned and joined my parents and started doing my masters in social work. i have always been straight forward..hence who ever ask me why i am sad, i say my entire story to everyone…but now i realise that we should not say everything to everyone. i need solution to my anger, frustration, my way of talking, dealing with people and of to love myself , my family and everyone around. now i am29 years and still have poor relation with my family. i have got half of my behaviour inherited from my father but i should understand and adjust accordingly..everyone who comes across my life has to suffer bcoz of me, my words and attitude of thinking and reacting.

after completing my masters my marriage was fixed(3 years back), that guy after few months stopped talking and calling sttaing that i am possessive and person of different attitude, not having a normal behaviour. again i was shattered. from that day onwards i use to cry for 6 months contnously. it took me 1 year to come out of the depression. from that time onwards i started realising that i have some problem and i cant lead a happy married life. when ever i get any proposals formarriage i always find some or other fault in the guy without thinking that even i am imperfect.. sometimes i am over happy, sometimes depressed. people always say that my talks are always age inappropriate and matured like others.
one day my mother said that i dont love myself that why i always have issues with people and dont have peace with me. if my less educated mother can identify this issue with me.. why cant i…i always think several things to change within me and keep on seeking solutioon with people but as soon as they advice, i start rebelling or giving rebuttals or start saying i have done this cant, not able to etc…

i want to be like others, i just have my mother who with pain listens to my cry most of the days and tired of advicing me..becoz even after sharing my problems and crying, after few days again i get desp.. even though i want to change many i cant bcoz i am not conscious. from my childhood i have always been with a wavering mind and poor concentration. nothing is intact in memory or i am not able to take conscious effort bcoz i am not conscious while reacting, talking, maintaining body language, recating to situation, way of talking tone. I have tried many steps from internet. now i remember that i have to control but tomorrow when i wake up i dont remember anything, or anything about my problems and the things have to change.. at the age of 29, i am still searching for myself and want to give happiness to others. i am tatlkative person with good sense of humour but depends on mood. why i cant think and act.why i am unstatisfiedperson who doesnt even know her own worth.. i have tried writing my positive but still i am dull from inside.. i dont know how to let go off.. even if i forget.. when i get angry everything comes up..dont know to unlearn..i know the problems dont know how to deal with..or else my entire life i will have to lead a single lifw..please help.. u r my last solace..please and god will bless u….

pls someone do help me..i am ready to follow the instructions