Chris,

I’m sorry for your suffering, friend, and can understand the difficulty in becoming aware that our parents are human, not just “my momma”. Mothers are supposed to be this big huggy teady bear of a boob that we can suckle from, find nourishment and comfort. But beyond that role, there is a woman. She is not toxic, and it would be better for you to set down your gavel. Rather, consider noticing how she is drained, feeling overwhelmed, perhaps lonely. Its easy as a young kid, without the weight of loss and life experience silencing your inner child, to stand superior to her, more able to carry the weight of the daily responsibilities.

This isn’t because she is bad, rather, she needs more tender care than she is receiving. So perhaps she searches here and there, looking for comfort, connection, peace. That search can become very restless, no wonder she doesn’t have the energy to clean the house! Now, that’s not to say that its your job to clean, it isn’t. But, perhaps you can help the woman, set aside the need for mom, and ask her to come and play with you. Help her see the beauty in her life, how her loving child cares about her and her well being. Not “clean her mess for her”, but “clean both of your messes together”, or take her out for a night on the town, or take a yoga class together. Hand in hand is always better than a finger pointing.

Either way, to reach out to her with kindness or not, keep that gavel far away from your fingertips. Its easy to judge our parents, but that only closes our own hearts. The truth is you don’t know what hardship she has endured, why she limps like she does, and so if you can’t say something nice, something encouraging, perhaps zip it and just get back to your own needs. The last thing she needs is one more stone in her backpack, feeling like she failed or is failing you.

With warmth,
Matt