Oh dearest Jen! My heart aches for you. I am so sorry this happened to you. Let me assure you, however, that this is HIM, not YOU. He is the one looking for reasons to push you away right now. Arguments in relationships are not unusual; giving someone the silent treatment, i.e. ignoring them, being unresponsive, not communicating as if you are invisible, IS. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. You sent your apology on MONDAY to someone who PROFESSED to love you and care about you etc. but to not respond to that until today is NOT LOVE. I do not say this to hurt you but rather to prevent you from further hurt.

You cannot go back to the way it was in the beginning because that scenario doesn’t exist any more. He is not entangled in his marriage any longer, your role is different now and unfortunately he is apparently ambivilent about it. Again, this is NOT YOU, it’s HIM. Read up on triangulation and some lightbulbs might click for you.

I know you don’t want to let go, but in my opinion that would be the best thing to try to do right now.

I believe this person has his sights set on someone else, whether it be his ex-wife or someone new.

I believe this person will not change.

Please try to believe him when he is telling you that he can’t be what you wish right now. Perhaps ever. Please try to accept the truth that perhaps this person is NOT who you thought he was; that he was willing to risk your emotions for his need to “have his cake and eat it too” and then change his mind.

I believe all of the above because I have walked in your shoes. What I learned was eye-opening, life-changing and quite painful. I will never again become involved with someone who is still married, regardless of the state of that marriage or the professsed separation, etc. etc. Not judging you for this at all, just saying I have been exactly where you are at and once the divorce happened, rather than the relationship soaring, it went into the tank and I was spinning…

Be kind to yourself. Eat well. Sleep. Cry. Write like crazy, write all your feelings, read all you can about similar behavior patterns, remind yourself that you are safe and you will be okay; make a list of your outstanding qualities; make a list of things that make you feel good and set about doing JUST ONE THING that makes you feel good about yourself even if you aren’t really “feeling it.” Fake it til you make it, they say. Most of all, please try not to contact this person again for a while, perhaps forever. Any further contact with him will set yourself up for the possibility of being ignored, being treated coldly, amping up his hurtful words, etc. etc. Focus on yourself and whatever it is you need to do to feel better right now.

I hope this helps you some. I have walked in your shoes and am well on the other side, where life is a grand adventure! Truly! The more you sweep out the debris from this painful scenario, the more room it makes for something beautiful to enter your life. You can let it all go one minute at a time.

Love,
catdancing