S,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how difficult it can be when we get stuck seeing lots of bad. Between your parents, the radical groups, ignorance, division… no wonder you’re left with some anxious feelings and visions! The good news is there is lots of good in the world, and in people, including you. To me, it seems like there is a lack of acceptance in your life, both offered to you from others, and offered from you onto others. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that people are neither good nor bad, we’re a mix. Like you, we get anxious and nervous, which push all sorts of unskillful behavior. Judging others, lusting, envy, greed, on and on we inflict harm on ourselves and others. Most of the time, we don’t even know we do it, or do so defensively, protecting something inside us. Its like how perhaps your fear of people pushes you to perhaps quickly judge them, protecting your sensitive heart from taking in their muck. Closing off in this way does help a little, but has lots of consequences.

Instead, consider an alternate view. Underneath whatever icky bits you notice first, there is a beautiful being just trying to find happiness, same as you. And, their quest for happiness often leads them to do odd things, which your empathy picks up on quite directly, like a sense of “error!” or “ouch!”.

Instead of grabbing onto the sludge, you can rest with it, let it pass through, and not let it interrupt your own light. For instance, if you see someone judging your culture, instead of “yep, there humanity is, doing human things, those bastards.” consider “yes, there is another sibling wandering around, looking for happiness”. Then, it passes right through, doesn’t suck you in, you can get back to your day.

Sometimes, when I go into a house that burns incense, for awhile afterward, my coat smells like incense. With hate groups, its the same. For awhile after shucking that nonsense (and well done! You are strong of heart, friend!) sometimes our senses have hategroupie tinting. Focusing on forgiveness, seeing that people are lovable as is, each a mix of wise spirit and bumbling fool, and kindness to self and others, all could help you breathe out the past, clear the lenses.

Finally, consider starting a metta practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendliness, like a hug with a trusted loved one. If we practice metta, we gain a sense of freedom and space, allowing us to meet new experiences with more control, less fear. Much like water pouring into a closed container produces anxiety, a sense of drowning, so can experiences produce anxiety without enough space. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Twice a day for even a few weeks may help a lot with your struggles.

Namaste, dear friend, try to remember that we do the best we can, and the road to inner peace is paved by endless forgiving.

With warmth,
Matt