Hi Snow21.
This was a bit of an odd one to read, because of course – I am that guy.

Yes, I have said sorry so many times that maybe I shouldn’t repeat myself again.
Instead, I want to reassure you of some things.
It hurt me to read this because I don’t like to think I have made anyone feel this way, most of all you.
But I know I have.

Yeah, I had a 3 year relationship with someone and, at times, it was wonderful.
For the majority of the time though, it was a complete disaster, especially after the initial months of familiarization wore off.
Thinking about how bad things were actually makes me shake a little bit while I write this.
I have many regrets about staying with my ex for so long, and choosing to believe her crass lies.
I’m a really loyal and trusting person, and the way that relationship ended really destroyed me for a long time.
When I first met you, the pain was still there to a degree.

I think this is completely ordinary because how can someone move on from all that hurt by themself?
However, I really do love you very much and would never ‘use’ you to get by.
I wouldn’t enter a relationship with someone who I saw no future with.
I’d just be one of those guys that sleeps around… But that’s not what I’m about.
You aren’t second best to me and I’m honestly not just saying what I think you want to hear.
Without you, I don’t know where I’d be because you’re the best thing that’s happened to me.
You’re helped to heal me from a lot of things and shown me it’s okay to believe people.
I trust you more than anyone and because of that, we haven’t had many problems to deal with.

After being with Hannah for 3 years, I saw someone briefly (as I’ve already mentioned to you). After a couple of months, I told them I couldn’t carry on seeing them because I didn’t feel a connection with them. We didn’t have all that much in common and I realised it was unfair to lead someone on.

I feel a massive connection with you and I don’t want you to question our good times together.
I enjoy them as much as you do.
We have more in common that me and my ex did. That’s without a doubt. You’re basically the female version of me.
I very much regret writing that post on this forum, but I stand by what I said.
I’m still a little messed up from what happened because it’s not possible to forget everything at once (although much of it is such a blur now). When we had that bad day on the Saturday two weekends ago (largely my fault, although I do really struggle with my emotions at times) it reminded me of my last relationship. Again, I think this is only natural.

I felt like I was doing the right thing to leave you that night, because I needed to catch up on sleep and didn’t want a co-dependent relationship. It was wrong of me, but I felt like I’d end up being controlled (again) if I gave in and stayed with you. I thought you needed to get used to having some time alone in your new place. In retrospect, I should have been a good boyfriend and stayed with you. But, it’s okay, because I learned from it. You aren’t my ex. I still have some underlying trust issues because I really thought I knew my ex before she betrayed me and hurt me so much. But I’m almost glad that she did cheat on me. Because I wouldn’t have met you or become stronger if not.

The biggest mistake of all was saying something so shallow, like ‘My ex was more attractive’.
She was attractive, so I won’t deny that and try to weasel my way out of what I said, but you are very beautiful to me.
I am vain, just like you, so if I didn’t like looking at you so much, I wouldn’t be in this relationship with you now.
Again, being completely honest, you’re just as attractive to me. You are exceptionally good looking and I don’t care that you have a few pounds on your waist. Or that you have a slight bump on your nose. Honestly, don’t give a shit.
I certainly have my own insecurities and flaws, so I don’t expect you to be perfect.

Addressing the Facebook checking, that was something I really struggled with for a while.
It became a habit to check up on my ex, as if I needed to know what her new life was like. I think I have an addictive personality and so I do struggle to leave the past completely behind me.
But the checking wasn’t because I wanted her back. It was more to do with my own feelings of self-worth.
The betrayal and swift moving on after I broke up with her (I mean, imagine being with someone for 3 years, ending it with them in an argument, and then watching them replace you and officially entering a new relationship in a week) did a number on my self-esteem and I felt the need to get ahead of her after the break-up.
Like there was some pride on the line and I had to out-do her.
To a certain extent, I think this can be good. Like with your ex best-friends, you want to prove that you’re better than them and that they were wrong. Kinda sad, but after a break-up, almost everyone acts this way.
I allowed the curiosity in my mind to take over and so I kept checking her page because I wanted to see what she was doing. Was she better without me? etc.

But none of that shit matters and I realise that. I still have her blocked and there’s really no purpose in me knowing what her life is like now, because she is part of my past life. I want to live in the present.
One of my biggest faults has been not being grateful for the life I have now.
That has been the case for years and has always been a negative factor in relationships. I have been self-centered and focused on the past (depression) or worried about the future (anxiety and sometimes depression). For years, I was so angry about Accutane (in case anyone else is reading – I took an acne medication that interfered badly with my health and mind) and blamed everything on it. I couldn’t let it go. Maybe it’s a part of my genetic build up or personality. Maybe it’s just bad habits over-practiced. But either way, I’m very aware now that there’s no use in thinking about how thinks might have been (had I not taken the drug).

Hannah was my first love and I can’t deny that she meant a lot to me.
There will always be memories of that relationship, fond and not so much.
Just imagine if we broke up in 2 years. Would either one of us be able to fully overcome that?
I’ll admit that when I first met you, I did message my ex.
It was literally a week or two after we met and all I said was ‘Wow… it’s your birthday in a week. It’s weird we don’t even talk now’.
Her birthday was approaching on the calender, and I was very aware of it. I found it weird, even thought I’d not been with her for months (again – addictive personality) that we didn’t even talk. That’s all I said. You must understand that I didn’t know you then like I do now. I liked you very quickly because I realised we were so alike, but I’d been on quite a few dates and had lost hope.

Shortly before I met you, I thought a girl liked me. Then, she just stopped talking to me. She actually called me out of the blue the day after I met you with a load of crap about how POF must have failed, because she’d not blocked me like it said. She said she’d not been able to speak to me for two weeks (was meant to see her one day, and I never heard from her) because her Grandma had died… I mean, if someone’s grandma has died, that sucks but she couldn’t just text me to say something had come up. Bullshit. I was expecting to see her one afternoon (would have been a third meeting) and was sat waiting around.. She was also missing from my Skype list suddenly. I wasn’t buying it and turned down her offer of meeting up because I just wasn’t interested in anymore bullshit. And, I thought you seemed nice, despite only meeting you for an hour at this point.

What was my point? Oh yeah… Having just met you, I was still very un-trusting and cynical. I was waiting for something to go wrong and assumed you’d decide you were suddenly not interested in me. I don’t believe that I was disloyal by messaging my ex that time, and that’s the only time I’ve tried to talk to her since being with you.

I really couldn’t be happier with you and you’re not some second prize draw to me.
I love you so much and I want to move past this.

I realise how thinking only of myself is selfish and not good for a relationship.
I absolutely did write much of that initial forum post in a warped perspective.
I wasn’t thinking straight because I would have felt torn apart if you decided not to trust me when I came round 2 weeks ago.
But I want to continue to show you how important you are to me.
And it’s 2 days until Christmas.

Please let it go and believe me.
This relationship won’t work if you can’t let it go…
The person who replied is right – Without trust, there is no relationship.
You have to trust me.
Using my last relationship as an example, things were so messy because my ex just couldn’t trust me.

I’m like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar (AFTER his Son makes the wish).
If you want to trust someone, trust me.
If I didn’t care so much for you, I’d let you go.
But I hope you’re not going anywhere

<3

P.s. I love you just the way you are. Please don’t starve yourself because I said something so childish.
I’m looking forward to sharing some big cheese pizza with you tonight 🙂

xxx