Hi Cassiopeialight,

I simply have to reply to you. I started off thinking years ago about all this sort of thing and at first used to think too that, “maybe I’m just being an idealist”, etc. Several years later, being older and wiser haha, I realise the truth of those feelings I was having. The more you come to realise it, the more you see how backwards almost everyone has it. The thing is it’s so deeply ingrained in people, the ‘this is how you live life’ idea, that you are actually feeling guilty even though you’re the one who is ACTUALLY seeing clearly, who has seen the light, it’s really crazy when you really start to see the truth of this. People think and tell you that you have it backwards, and yet something tells you that something is deeply wrong with all this, so of course you can often end up feeling guilty, I certainly have done at times. However, I’m realising how ludicrous it is to feel that way now. Honouring your own truth is I believe the most important thing you can do in life. When you do this however, you will naturally face resistance from people still immersed in the illusion. I now realise that it’s like we all wear tainted glasses and we see everything in the world not as it is but only as it appears through these glasses. To such people your plans will naturally appear senseless according to their view of the world and unfortunately you cannot remove their glasses for them, they can only do it themselves, and most people unfortunately will never remove them their entire lives. All they have is their narrow view of the way things are supposed to be and anything that doesn’t conform is deemed wrong or stupid. Really, you are blessed, you have seen through it, this allows you to live a life of freedom, a life which will allow you much more happiness, fulfillment, growth, health, wealth (in all respects), so long as you “march to your own drum” and do not allow other’s opinions and doubts to lead your way. This is so essential.

I think you are also very lucky because this is happening at just the right time. I’ve been through uni so I can speak now from experience and what I’ve seen which might help you. For me, I began the process of lifting myself out of delusion a few months in to my first year. I went to study chemistry. Looking back, it seemed like a good, sensible option at the time, I found chemistry fairly interesting. However, I know now that my heart wasn’t in it, even before I even got to uni. It’s not that there were other strong expectations for me to go, it was mostly from myself, but I just didn’t know any better at the time. As I’ve read time and time again, nobody teaches the most important stuff in life at school: how to live, how to be happy, the importance of following your heart, you just learn how be a good academic, which you realise, unless you want to be an academic is pretty useless, even for most jobs. Anyway, a few months into my first year and I just had to find answers, I didn’t even know what I was looking for at the time, all I knew was I HAD to find answers. I now know that I was looking for truth.

Well, I struggled through 4 years of chemistry. I can’t tell you how much I suffered as a result. I’ve read how we essentially have 2 wills, our personal will and our higher will. Our personal will comes from the ego, it tells us what we should be doing. Our higher will comes from our higher self, the universe, God, however you want to describe it. You can go against your higher will, but when you do so you will suffer. It is said you can continue to do so (which gets harder and harder, more and more painful) but eventually the higher will will find a way to stop you. It’s like, hahaha, you think you are more powerful than the universe, we’ll see, and the universe will stop you somehow. It will even manifest physical illness if it must so that you are forced to listen. I’ve read about and listened to people where this has clearly happened, even if they didn’t understand the reason for it themselves, e.g. a past colleague who was unable to get out of his bed one morning. It was clear to me from how he had described his life up to that point what was happening and why. Anyway, back then, I remember at the start of the 3rd year I said to a close friend, “I don’t even want to be here anymore” (I was reluctant to leave though because of the money already invested), I then had 2 more gruelling years to go. The thing is at the uni I was at and doing that course, the workload is such that your heart MUST be in it, if it isn’t then you will find it extremely difficult to do well. I remember at the time, I felt so guilty because I felt I was just being lazy, I just couldn’t seem to get much work done. At school I had done very well so knew I was academically capable and a hard worker so I just felt lazy. I told myself I must do the work, but I now see how I was fighting myself so intensely, every ounce of me didn’t want to be doing this, but I was forcing myself to do it. So, it caused me immense pain.

I now know that this is what happens when we follow the ‘shoulds’ of others or even of ourselves, rather than our hearts and what we really want. You see, so many people really make life a struggle and a large amount of the time it’s because they are doing this very thing. By following the should you become unhappy, don’t enjoy life, your health deteriorates, you shrink as a human being. Consequently, you become a minus, a negative impact on the world as a whole not just yourself. If you follow your truth, the opposite is true. Yes, this means not only is it good for you, you become a plus to the world so you actually make world better too! You are actually what the world needs!! Now do you see how back-to-front most of the world has it? How ludicrous it is?

To those who are sleep walking you are having a premature mid-life crisis, in actuality you are awakening. As you continue this journey you will see again and again how much paradox there is. You need only look at 19 out of 20 faces on a train at rush hour to see how zoned-out and like a zombie most people are in the way they are living their lives. I highly recommend reading Emerson’s essay on self-reliance, he could see so much of what others failed to see, link here:

http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm

I lastly want to mention something that I read about what a young Zen monk said in a book I read. It echoes exactly what you said so well done to acknowledging that you are not sure what you want to study so aren’t just picking any old subject. By the way, I’d say that out of my entire year group at uni (about 120 people) it was clear that 2 were passionate about what they were doing and were exactly where they were supposed to be. Most of the rest had probably chosen chemistry mainly because of the job prospects, basically as a means to an end as far as I could tell, it’s really quite sad. And it’s amazing how much these two stood out from the crowd, yet very few question, why is this? Is something wrong here? Could I be like that too? Anyway, this monk said something to the effect of: many people do not yet know at such a young age what subject to study, which may dictate their career and ultimately their life direction. For many people uni may not even be right for them full stop. He instead went to live in a monastery for a few years, that’s what he wanted. Most people don’t really stop and question themselves as to what they really want. The world needs people who do what they really want! Be brave, be courageous, that is also what the world needs and what you need. Incidentally, I remember meeting a friend of a uni friend at a party years ago and asking him where he studied, he seemed pretty bright so it’s the natural assumption made I’m afraid. I was surprised to hear he wasn’t at uni but had decided to just get a job. Probably not by coincidence he seemed so free and easy, I really wanted to be like him I remember thinking, just in his manner and relaxed quality he had about him. The people I’ve met in life so far who aren’t following the run of the mill seem to usually possess an enviable carefree air about them, a joyousness and freedom that I want to be around and other people find attractive. Hmmm, I wonder why…?

Go for it, do it, be brave! Also, read the essay.

All the best,

Ben.