Hi Nicole,

I think I have some understanding of what you’re experiencing – I too was in an abusive relationship for 6 years and have been out of it properly for the past 18 months but I still have some difficult times. For example those feelings of shame and anger towards yourself that you mention – it took me quite a while to accept that I was angry at myself for staying with him because by doing so I was essentially accepting his treatment of me. Since the separation I have often wondered why I accepted this, why did I normalise this and make excuses for him? Why was I content to be treated in a way that would horrify most other people? I suppose that is all to do with self worth – I did not feel worthy of anything better. This is a deeply sad thought that I am still processing in order to really dig down and find its roots…I have only recently been able to accept where this may have all started.

The positive you can take is that you are definitely 100 times better off out of this relationship than you were in it – but at times this can be hard to hold on to when you feel lonely and adrift. You are going through a period of growth and re-learning how to be alone and how to be you when not in that relationship. This is something I pushed against for a awhile, throwing myself straight into dating because I had no idea how to exist outside of a relationship. And also, if I am honest because I wanted to fill the hole in my life and I needed the reassurance that someone out there still wanted me. But of course I was not ready (at all!) and my deep rooted problems surfaced again and again until I had to face up to them and go it completely alone.

It is hard to be on your own. You will have days where you crave the physical comfort of a relationship more than anything. You will have days when you feel like you will never ever be whole again. But then you will have days where you get to do all the things you love most without having to even consider another person, just doing what makes you happy because you can and that will be good, and that will be enough.

Through my relationship I lost sight of things that gave me pleasure like exercise, my hobbies and my friends. I had felt selfish for taking time to do things for my own enjoyment and again as though I was not worthy of this time and pleasure. Being by myself has been an eye opener to that – I have experimented with different hobbies and exercises and spent time building bridges with old friends. I still have days and weeks (and longer!) where I find it hard to exercise, or eat properly, hard to go out and socialise, hard to concentrate on anything. But I have learnt to accept those times, experience them and know that they will be transient. I try not to beat myself up over it and instead practice being accepting of my feelings – when I do this those periods tend to be shorter. In those times do what you are drawn to – for example during one episode going to the gym or an organised class felt totally overwhelming but I craved fresh air and wanted to walk so that is what I did – I just walked by myself and that was okay.

I am still getting to grips with the “just being” part. Most of my friends & family live quite far away from me so seeing them is usually planned out in advance, therefore I do end up with quite a lot of ‘me’ time when not at work. Like you I was was once very independent, but this got lost. At first it felt strange to be alone again especially when coming out of a situation where I was manipulated & controlled and barely had any time to myself, but now I quite enjoy it. I am content in my own company at home and have started doing more activities on my own like going out for dinner, to the movies or to an event. Why should I miss out on these things just because I am not in a relationship?! 🙂
Tomorrow I am going to a concert on my own for the first time and later in the year I am planning to take a holiday alone….still building up to that one! And although part of me wishes for companionship on that adventure, I strongly feel like it is something I need to do alone.

I should want to spend time with myself because I am pretty great, and you are too! It is a case of rebuilding, of not running before you can walk – take baby steps and celebrate small achievements. Indulge yourself in things that give you pleasure, nurture yourself in all the ways you couldn’t during that horrible time that you endured. Make your space somewhere you love to be, decorate how you want to, have things you love around you, wear what makes your happy and above all make it a safe haven where you are free to be 100% you.

Give yourself a break – you are doing great! Even on the days you feel lost and alone congratulate yourself on being strong enough to be free of that abusive situation and moving forward in your own way. x x x