Will –

I think what you said applies more to the way I used to be. In my previous relationsips, I made it my duty to make my man happy! I bent over backwards, I really played the part… But because I had such unhealthy experiences in the past, I felt like maybe I was taking the wrong approach and maybe I should just be me and see what happens. I have a complete understanding of what you were describing because that was very very much how I dealt with relationships for as long as I was dating. At some point, I have come to understand that it is not my job to make anybody happy – except for myself. And I guess this is where the conflict came about… Because my ex expects whoever he is with to make him happy. This “other girl” made him happy and made him feel fulfilled and I simply didn’t anymore, so he left. And here I am, getting worked up because I didn’t bend over backwards for him – ever. When it seems like that’s what he wanted me to do, but I never delivered – or maybe sometimes I did, and sometimes I didn’t. Whatever the case, this relationship was my futile attempt at having something real with somebody. I entered this relationship with the expectation that it would be loving, lasting, and healthy. Actually, it’s funny because even until the day we broke up I considered our relationship healthy and happy. I was just as out of touch as he was!

I mean, he’s gone now, so I’m only left to express my anger to my therapist and my friends (and you guys). When the relationship started, I would try to talk things out and express my anger like a normal person but his arguing style was so weird. He got really defensive most of the time, he’d get up and storm out in the middle of conversations, he’d lie, deny, blame, use his PTSD as an excuse and scapegoat for his actions. And I just went along with it and adapted! I didn’t even think of myself or what was good for me. I just went with it!

He treated me terribly from the very beginning, and I knew it was wrong and there were so many things that bothered me, and as I learned that I couldn’t have a normal conversation or argument with him about it, I just learned to shut up. My options were, have a very long extensive argument that would likely go nowhere (these arguments would usually end up in me crying or him storming away angrily and ultimately, him coming in for a big hug as if that would solve all of our problems and we’d move on like nothing happened) OR if I just let it go, we’d go on like nothing happened. Inappropriate conversations with other women were a factor from the very beginning. That really upset me and he never quit. He lied to me. He ruined my friendships and anytime I tried to make new friends, he’d do something to mess it up. He was jealous. He kept me from having a good time without him. I had to constantly keep in contact with him. If i didn’t answer my phone, he’d call 20 times in a row if he had to. And if I didnt answer, he’d call somebody else to get a hold of me.

He was so emotionally draining! I never had my space! He was distracting and I got so sick of him! I begged him to stop sleeping at my place every day, and I got the guilt trip, saying that he lived too far away from work and it’s a major inconvenience… Ugh! Just awful! And this was only the first year or two of the relationship…

THIS is where all of that unresolved anger comes from. I mean, all of this building up for so long, eventually any time we talked it was inevitable that the attitude would rear it’s ugly head. I couldn’t help myself – infact, I wasn’t myself anymore. Anyway… I gave in a little… He lightened up a little after I tried breaking up with him several times (he manipulated me back into the relationship)… And it progressed for another 2 years. And here I am now! It’s crazy because my friends and family said that they feel like I’m finally myself again. They said that I was so unlike myself, that I was like an empty shell of who I used to be.

Phew, it felt good to let that out 🙂