Dear Tiny Butterfly:
The man attacked you verbally, emotionally, hurting you, injuring you: “he persistently told me he did not want me in his life, hung the phone up on me numerous times, blocked me online and a said the most hurtful and cruellest things.”

You were attacked verbally, emotionally. You were hurt, injured: “my whole soul was being torn apart…I’m filled with anxiety on a daily basis…I feel anxious wondering whether the things he said were true…I keep replaying these words in my head and I worry…I physically shake at the thought of another argument… I cannot deal with this anxiety I’m feeling.”

The fact that his attack on you was fueled by his distress over whatever issue is not relevant to the fact that he attacked you. Most people who attack others do so because they feel distressed. Excusing your bf’s attack because of his distress is excusing the millions of attacks that are happening right now all over the world as I type this.

It is also irrelevant whether deep inside him on a sunny happy day he still thinks those things he said to you when angry. The WORDS he said cannot be deleted from your memory, both intellectual and emotional memory. Your brain does not have a delete botton. Words cannot be unsaid or balanced and neutralized by good words.

You were both distressed during that last argument. Maybe he was distressed first but soon enough as he attacked you- you were BOTH distressed. How did the two of you react to personal distress? He took the FIGHT position, attacking you, being aggressive and abusive. To feel better, to relieve his own distress, he attacked, he fought. How did you react to your distress? You took the FAWN position, the submissive posture, taking the blame, pleading with him. This is how you relieved your distress. In the short term. You felt safe for a short time.

But in the long term you feel anxious.

So, what is really going on?

Can you post again: what is really going on???
anita