Dear titanshiny:
I re-read our correspondence. I understand that you contributed negativity into the relationship with this man. Still you are only responsible for your part of every interaction and he is to his. You learn if you can trust a person by how they act when under stress. It is when stressed or distressed that you need another’s support the most. If a person is there for you when he is stressed, being supportive and respectful of you when he is distressed- that is true quality of a person. The moment he blames you for what he is responsible for- blames you for his unacceptable behavior, disrespectful/ abusive behavior toward you- well, that is a red flag. You state that you may have been abusive toward him- but you were more than willing to take responsibility for that and for much more that you are not responsible for. There is a difference. He takes too little responsibility; you take too much…?

Regarding my own journey: right now I am feeling quite distressed. My husband is not home- it often makes me feel distressed, i worry he is hurt by me, angry, harming himself somehow. Where is my own “journey with love and acceptance” that you asked that I share? Well here it is: assuming my husband (a good man, very good man) is okay and well and he comes back- I am not going to irresponsibly or abusively lay my distress on him. I am not going to get angry at me for whatever (he did nothing wrong). I will not cry and wail so that he will … never again leave orsomething like that (manipulative). I will not try to hurt him so that he will know i am hurting. I will not ask him questions about where he has been.

i do feel distressed and even depressed. But i will need to deal with it myself (sometimes with his help). The thing is I AM RESPOBSIBLE for how I am feeling now. Not him. I have to keep being respectful to him no matter how I feel.

This is not how I used to think, feel and behave. I felt and behaved as if I was responsible for his feelings, often denying myself, trying to overly accomodate and then feeling angry… I acted as if he was responsible for my feelings, punishing him for “doing a bad job” managing my feelings.

As I am currently feeling distressed and depressed I am still writing to you, thinking I can contribute something to you- and to me- in this state. I am trying to accept myself when feeling distress, see where it is coming from, and understand I still have work to do while distressed, healing work, that is. I am not taking a break from healing while distressed, a time out. I used to take big time time Outs. And then come back to healing. No, this, right this minute, it is still healing time.

Write me anytime…
anita