Butterfly,

Thank you for putting your heart on your sleeve and reaching out for help in creating a more caring environment for your family. Consider that your daughter’s reactions are very normal and usual. As she begins to figure out who she is as a being, it is natural for her to defend her own views from aggression. Like a mother might protect her child from the weather by surrounded her in her arms, so are eye rolling and arguing shelter for her own inner tenderness. While it may seem defiant, that is a small view, as though obedient is something she just should be. The first step, in my opinion, is letting go of your own frustration by deeply forgiving her for these actions, seen as simple structures she uses to stop the muck of your husband’s aggression and control issues. She may over use them, but that is also normal. We find what works, and use it to defend our desire.

For your husband, it could be tricky. Has he had therapy, artistic outlets, yoga, or other forms of bringing his mind and body back into balance since his unsettling childhood? When we get imprinted in violent ways, some of our internal methods can become dysfunctional. Such as, aggressive arguing with a 10 year old yields no winners. The contention, as a guess without hearing his side of things, is that he has too much fear that his daughter is in danger. As though she needs to change herself in order to be safe from harm. But that is perhaps not true, as her environment is much different than his, and so his startle reaction and aggression are projected where they don’t belong. Such as “sit up straight, dammit”, because if a kid does not sit up straight, they will be attacked, because he was. But…. the circumstances are different, do not fit the family he is in, now.

To dismantle his inner aggression, he needs to take time to see things through her eyes. To make space inside himself to see the world she’s actually in, feel the desires she has, look at the landscape she is traveling. As he does this, his loving wamrth for her will naturally become more present, and instead of defending her from herself, can more aptly help her find the things she is looking for in her life. Said differently, the king surrenders to the princess, listens closely to what she wants, and then tries to help her find those dreams coming true. Then, no argument arises between them, there are no conditions that support it. On his side, he helps her build the life she wants to live, and what a hero! On hers, she has help figuring out how to navigate her life, and what a life! When it is clear to mother and father that her desires bring about self harm (“I want cookies for dinner” “I will take my phone to bed”) she will be much more receptive to the boundaries that are placed in front of her as for her own benefit, from love.

Also, make sure they get plenty of time to play, if possible. Father/daughter connections are magic, so encourage them to go hand in hand on some adventures where they both can find happiness and their curious inner child dancing.

Most kids stick their tongue out at their parents. It is a very normal part of developing to become stubborn and defiant, expressing ones own dominion by ignoring, rejecting or otherwise discarding external control. This is good, normal, fine, and parents always need to learn to pick their battles. Or, they exhaust themselves trying to run around their children “fixing them” as their kids stumble and grow. As Anita wisely suggests, consider examining together with your husband the issues that are worth addressing, coming up with a unified plan. That way, you can have a frame of reference to help him let go of his own agitation or come at her difficulties from different directions. Molehill or mountain? Step over molehills, climb mountains. Don’t try to climb molehills, the last thing she needs is to rightly roll her eyes when daddy is being a fool. 🙂

Finally, consider encouraging your husband to find a user manual or service guide. “Your Child is Smarter Than You Think” by Wanda Draper, for instance, could help him crack open the hood and examine more directly the engine of the father-daughter relationship. Just as he wouldn’t fix a car engine’s knock by simply pressing harder on the gas pedal, he won’t fix the connection by being louder. He needs to pull it apart, replace some belts, and see if it helps. He probably knows there is much he doesn’t know, but there are ways to learn. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt