Dear Penguin:
Too much empathy for others and not for yourself will continue to run you down. Imagine you live your whole life feeling sad for others’ struggles. Your only opportunity with that strategy to ever be happy or have peace of mind is if EVERYONE around you is doing well. And what are the chances. I have a 67 year old neighbor. She is like that: the only time she is calm is if all her 5 grandchildre, her two sons, their wives, her ex husband (!), her husband, her own mother (in her 90s), her siblings and their husbands and her dogs are doing well. It’s been one day in the last few months I think that she felt good.

No wonder you want to detach yourself from others’ problems. You simply do not want to suffer anymore. How?

1) Think about it: your pain is not easing their pain. It is of no positive use. They keep suffering and so do you. If you had peace of mind you would be way more resourceful to be of comfort to others.
2) Try to practice empathy AND detachment. Not empathy OR detachment.
3) Every time you feel empathy for any of your family memebrs, SHIFT that very feeling of empathy from being directed toward, ex. your mother to being directed to you! Feel empathy or pity for yourself for not being “good enough” for your father to get his emotions under control and not hurt you. Focus on how YOU feel being betrayed by your father. Every time you feel empahty for another is an opportunity for you to re-direct the empathy from him or her TO you.
4) Everybody suffers. Seriel murderers do not become serial murderers a lot of the time, if not all of the time, because they are pain free. Does their abusive childhood, childhood rejection and lack of love justify their murdering others? Does your father’s suffering justify him hurting his daughter? If pain was an excuse, all is excused.
5) Watch your inaccurate projections: you feel empathy for your father. Does he feel empathy for you? I think you may assume he does. Is he full of regret, changing his ways? He may not be the good person you think he is. See situations and people the way they are, not the way you wish they were. Reality, not fantasy will set you free of depression.

I think your boyfriend is your best bet at making a difference in another and in yourself. I hope you become more open to each other and in a win-win attitude, help each other. I hope it stops being you fearing to harm him by mentioning his weight. I hope you talk about it calmly, openly as about all other problems, be a safe place to talk, explore ideas, practice skills.

anita