Dear misunderstood:
You wrote: “i was careful what i shared with my mum, in particular what was happening in my life and my friends life. Because she never responded in a positive way or she woukd use that information against me…she turned against me and my husband. Gave me an ultimatum to break my family up with my 2 small children…when it came to my opinions, i was always silenced…I have never been told of anything good ive done, but as soon as i do wrong….”

Your relationship with your mother was never a good relationship then. She did not validate you. she silenced you, bullied you and still does. She criticized you and still does.

You also wrote: “its never about me, its about how much ive hurt mom.” Your life should be about you. Your father as well as your mother STILL silence you, giving you the message that YOUR life should not be about YOU.

You wrote: “I feel my life is in turmoil and the only healthy thing to do for me and my family is to stop contact. It kills me to say that. But ive tried setting up boundariescand limiting contact but she wint accept that as shecdoesnt accept me.”

I agree. Inky’s advice above, the broken record and all, I believe is good advice for how to deal with difficult people in many situations where you HAVE TO be around those people, maybe a work situation or a family gathering of once a year. But this is not good advice, I believe, for an adult child of an abusive parent who was and STILL is abusive.

See, your mother is not a stranger you have to sometimes deal with, once a year or so, she is the person who shaped you. To someone else she is just a person, for you she means much, much more. Her words have more power on you than on a stranger. For a stranger, the broken record may work because the stranger has not been shaped by her from the time you were a baby.

Regardless of culture, she was abusive. And her being abusive does not mean she always treated you abusively. Even the most abusive person in the world is sometimes kind to somebody.

Regarding your question: my mother manipulated my sister and abused her. My sister has severe panic attacks, is a workaholic to the exclusions of anything else. She does not have a relationship and is not doing well. She3 screams if someone touches her. She has a distant contact with my mother. And my mother did not try to connect with me.

I hope you do stop all contact with your mother as you stated that you are considering because it seems to me that she has been and still is abusive. Even if she wasn’t currently abusive, since she did not repair or attempt to repair her past abuse of you, it keeps on happening via lack of repair. It is her job to repair, not yours. I bet you tried… Her trying to interfere with your family of choice is dangerous to you. I hope you protect yourself, your husband and your children from this damaging woman.

Any more questions and input from me- will be glad to share.

Best wishes to you too:
anita