Hi Anita, and thank you for your reply. I found it very interesting!

The tree metaphor you employed certainly resonates with me and makes me feel that you’re undoubtedly on to something there.

You actually reminded me of a misstep I made after Chris and them my mum died. I say misstep, because what I wanted to achieve at that time, while logically sensible and understandable, was a little bit foolish in that I ignored the emotional requirements of my existence. I shall elaborate.

At that time, I was striving to be the best, most independent version of myself. I was probably a little bit more intense, a bit more bullish, because I’d recovered pretty well from Chris’ passing, was still professionally successful, and still hadn’t really dealt with my mother’s passing (I’ve only really started to feel better about that as recently as the start of the year). It was a mission and there used to be something I would say to justify my pursuit of it. It was this:

“By definition, the worst period in your life will be the moment you find yourself alone, without anyone to turn to for support, and without the capacity to save yourself.” (or something like that, I’m a bit fuzzy on it now!)

So I reasoned, being independent, self sufficient and skilled, would mean that I would be prepared for the worst time of my life the next time it came around. It’s funny really, but in many ways, I’ve ended up where I am today intentionally and because of that train of thought itself.

Now I don’t think that statement was wrong really, just that I probably took the wrong conclusion from it. A more emotionally stable version of myself would probably suggest that if not having anyone to rely on is the worst thing that can happen, then perhaps the solution is to avoid being alone! Of course, with my history, I understand why I reached the conclusion I did, and why I was so focussed on avoiding future pain.

Anyway, I thought that was a curious side note, but you’re right. I’ve reduced my emotional footprint and traded it for an amount of security and an amount of self sufficiency. Perhaps it was necessary to survive, I don’t know, but it’s something I need to undo now.

In truth, I don’t really know how to proceed. Everyone know’s I’m self-sufficient so there’s not really a support network in place. Some people can turn to family and friends in a heartbeat for support, but that’s very very far from my personal situation.

To make an overly simplistic statement, clearly I need to branch out emotionally. Make connections with people and let them help me. Love and allow myself to be loved. To allow myself to rely on others.

In practice, it’s going to very hard to do any of those things. I feel like I’m in a little bit of a catch-22 situation as there is a definite hierarchy of needs where each depends on the other. Probably goes a little bit like:

Motivation depends on love and emotional footprint.
Love/emotional footprint depends on a partner (most likely given my family situation).
Getting a partner depends on wealth/success (at my age certainly, where people are concerned with building families).
Wealth/success depends on motivation. Go back to point one!

Obviously there is a circular dependency there, and it’s going to be hard to move forward without managing to solve one of those things first.

At this point in time, it seems that the most likely way forward would be to start working for other people. It would unblock that circular list and provide a way forward, but it would also mean putting my own projects that I’ve worked on for the last five years to one side. Perhaps that’s a worthwhile sacrifice to achieve a more balanced existence, but it’s one that I’m going to have a hard time making.

The only other level I can think of moving forward on is the love one. I wonder if it’s possible that doing some volunteer work and choosing to give love freely with no expectation of return might allow for some emotional growth and therefore motivational too. I don’t know, it’s possible it might just end up being an emotional drain instead.

I think at this point, my analytical skills aren’t going to be much help. Some action is undoubtedly required and some participation in the wider world. I hope I manage to find out how to do that.

Kaz