hi Alexandra!

Thank you for sharing. I was immediately drawn after reading the first sentences because I, myself, experienced similar issues of having to bear insults from my dad and family relatives of how anorexic and dark skinned I looked. They too left me with low confidence and anxiety disorder (something I still have to deal with till This day).

To me I believe every person has had experienced many things that the older us would look back and feel deep regret but the beauty of these bad experiences can act as driving forces to move us into a more positive direction (if we are willing to look for it haha) and the first step to this is to recognise our mistakes and understand the root cause of them like the taking drugs and heavy drinking because you wanted to feel accepted. This is you becoming aware of previous experiences and by doing this you have that wonderful enlightened moment of seeing into your deepest desire – self acceptance. this act of self love you give to yourself can be achieved through mindful meditation. It is called mindful meditation because you become aware of your breath that connects your body to your thoughts where you will be able to look deeply and see many external factors that have continued to linger with you till this day. When you understand your suffering, you suffer less. This is a quote by my favourite Buddhist Teacher THich Nhat Hanh. When you understand these suffering which I can see you are making good starting progress, you realise you do not want to put yourself in more any suffering. I reallyencourage practicing meditation by taking it slow say 5 min per day and. Increase as you get better. although it is better to meditation in a small class with a group of friends especially since you are new to meditation, it is also encouraged if you can doing some sitting meditation in your own time or with your partner where you familiarise yourself with your thoughts and emotions then you can better connect with others energy in a class!

I began meditation 6 months back due to developing extreme social phobia and random episodes of panic attack in any public setting. My first few months of meditation was a big struggle because I could not bear with myself and my racing thoughts for more than a second, but I continue to sit and breathe and observe these negative thoughts and feelings derived from a negative past and attaching thoughts. It is June now, and I have grown so much. I have become aware of negative thoughts that is causing the psychological symptoms of my anxiety, and unhealthy lifestyle I was living by and am able to let go out them and start anew chapter of my life.

You still have many positive things awaiting for you if you choose to take charge of the you in this present, so I encourage you to try new things one being meditation. I am sure you this will not be under your regret list. Haha. The one way to know you have mastered meditation is the feeling of peace, freedom and love that blooms within you.
I hope I was somewhat helpful. I wish you the best.