Dear, dear Sweet:
I am glad you just posted this and maybe you can read this soon after your post. The fights need to stop- it is harming you, it is harming him, it is harming the relationship. There is no benefit to those fights. You must learn to communicate in a way that does not lead to fighting. You can be honest about your feelings, express them to him without blaming him and without leading to a fight. This is what i meant by Interpersonal Skills. There IS a way to communicate EFFECTIVELY, and fighting is not a healthy communication.

Maybe sometimes you feel that you are about to explode and you have to say something (that leads to a fight)- maybe you try real hard not to fight, not to say this or that and you succeed until you can’t take the distress anymore. Maybe in leading to a fight you are trying to help yourself out of your distress, maybe you are trying to MOVE him emotionally into realizing how much you hurt and how much you need his help- so your intentions are good in that you want to relieve your suffering and you want him to help you do so.

But fighting is going about it the ineffective way that brings you the exact opposite of what you want. Have to stop it!

How? Channel your feelings into EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. Tell him – if the above is true, to the extent that it is true- tell him YOUR truth, how you feel about fighting, how much you want to stop your fights, that you see how cautious and unhappy he is about your fights and that you are miserable as well. Tell him you want to learn how to communicate better, in a non threatening way, without blaming, that the two of you can learn together how to do it.

For example, instead of saying: you make me mad when you … talk online with this woman (just an example) – or Why do you talk to her? Don’t you know what you are doing to me when you have her on your Facebook page? Don’t you care about me? Do you care about her more, etc. Instead of all this say: I don’t like it that you have her on your Facebook. I feel scared or angry and I don’t know if my concerns are valid or if I have the right to tell you to delete her. Can we talk about this? Can you help me figure out what to do…I want to do what is right not only for me but for you as well: I want a win-win relationship….

Of course you are not a bad soul, Sweet. This is why your name is Sweet, isn’t it? (ha ha) You are stressed and hurt and angry at different times and you are lonely and tired and unhappy about work… life is not easy for you- you have challenges. ANd you need good communication with him to overcome- you have very little without a good relationship with him.

Instead of trying to be less dependent on him (How can you be not dependent when he is all you have in the country you are in?) – be dependent but be honest about your feelings with him- tell him kindly, tell him honestly without blaming him, without giving him the job of making you happy (he can’t do it)- he can help him if you make it possible for both of you to help each other.

Turn to him, tell him you know change is not instant but you are wholeheartedly willing to find out how to help each other so both of you can make each other’s life better.

Bu the way, m en don’t like to be told what to do, so that girl on Facebook may mean nothing at all to him and still he wouldn’t like to be told to delete her or anything like that just so not to feel controlled and stripped of his manhood (as in following his woman’s orders).

These fights are bad, but you can change things together through wiser efforts. There are WAYS to communicate differently- it can be a learning experience, teaching each other how to do it.
anita