Dear Jim/Jamie:
It is okay you responding when you have the time. I am not working so I have more time than you do. I am pleased whenever it is that I do get a note from you. About self compassion, I wonder when you think something like: maybe I’m not such a bad guy after all, if when you thought that, did you have any pleasant feeling at all? A sense of relief? Some relaxation at the though? Any such positive feeling would be self compassion or self love. Maybe not intense, but there… notice next time…? Regarding the CBT book and mood logs- did you try a mood log ever? I’ve done those. have mood logs forms in my folder here- I can help you with those, if you’d like.

Regarding your regret- all those years. I was thinking that recently, ALL THOSE YEARS- it is mind boggling to think and remember how I spent those years, what misery and how unnecessary it was. How different it could have been if I stood up for myself. If I lived effectively, skillfully, it would have been very, very different- wonderful. So much loneliness could have been spent interacting, loving, enjoying life. Etc. Etc. Etc. Reality is that if my past would have been wonderful, ecstatic, even, however glorious- at this point it would still be the past, gone. No matter what I’d do- I could never re-live that past. I don’t want to live again MY past. If I had a wonderful past where I took advantage of my YOUTH, how would I feel then for all that wonder, glory, ecstasy being in the past, time gone, youth gone? I could write all my memories in a notebook with photos and look at those all day long, what would that give me then? I would still have only the present.

Reality is also that regret is very common and wasting a lot of one’s life is also very common. It is the human condition as I see it. You can look at threads on this website from 2013 and you will read the writings of young people in the midst of wasting their lives, so far, at 20 or so. How can that be? Yet it is.

Somehow when I felt the intense enough moment of self compassion- there was no regret then. I think i was satisfied at that moment.

There is some pain that has to be endured- the pain of the hurt that was done to us, the injustice of it, so much life lived in misery- this pain cannot be explained away, it is personal and I have to bear it. It is done. It is strange. Yes, we are both middle age. But like I wrote you before- I am still that little girl. She is still there and if I saw you- if you have some white hair like I do and/ or wrinkles and/ or this and that- NONE OF THAT would fool me. I know I will see the little Jim/ Jamie in there, in your eyes. I feel compassion for him/ her right this moment. Can you see him/ her in your eyes- the twinkle? Don’t let signs of aging fool you- you are there, young, still vulnerable, still reaching out. Maybe I am getting poetic-like?

Can you look for little you in the mirror and tell me what you see, maybe take a paper and write what you see? Maybe put on music you used to listen to when you were very young and look in the mirror and let Jim/Jamie talk to you, tell you anything at all…?

There are a lot of books and such about getting in touch with the “inner child” – the child part of you that is still there….

Looking forward/ hoping to your next post…???

take good care of the precious you!
anita