Hi Nicole

Do I ever feel lonely? Well, maybe sometimes, in that hour when my children have gone back to their mum’s and the house is empty. But I never feel anything like as lonely as I did when I was married. Being alone and being lonely are two completely separate things – you don’t need to be alone to feel lonely and vice-versa.

You say that you are scared that pursuing your interests won’t fill that big, gaping void inside you. I think that, in themselves, you are right – they won’t. What they will do is help you to become a more rounded, contented and fulfilled person in your own right – to better understand who you really are and what is important to you. And it is by becoming that person, that you will be able to develop relationships that are truly fulfilling and supportive.

Because when you are happy in yourself, you are not expecting or relying on the other person to make you happy. Which allows them to be who they want to be. So you can both be together because you want to be, rather than because you need to be.

Many people look for someone else to provide happiness and fulfilment in their lives. But in doing so they are handing over control of their destiny to someone else. If they are lucky, they will meet someone who will exercise that control in their interests. If not, they will find someone who uses that control to trample all over them. Either way, it’s a risky option.

The self-fulfilled person, on the other hand, is never going to be attractive to a control-freak. But they will be very attractive to other self-fulfilled, contented people. And those relationships are much stronger – after all, if you know your partner is able to get along perfectly well without you, you make sure you treat them right!

So the most effective way of finding a new partner who treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve, is by pursuing those things that you love the most. Apart from anything else, you will be moving in the circles of like-minded people who already share your interests –a good starting point for any relationship. And that way, even when you are alone, you will never feel lonely.