Dear Jim/Jamie:
Sweet Supeman story. You watching it at 60 with the same intensity, big smile is proof, is it not, that the child of those days is very much alive. That child is the part of you that watches the show still, in wonder. You thought at that time, long ago, that superman really did fly, that he could fly.

Free associations in my mind as I type this: I think that I too had wings, that I could fly and then the winges were cut off. Wings that I still need to be free, still need to be in a state of WONDER. Can I (can you…) get them back, get your wings back? I am typing whatever comes to mind… the regret for havinglived a life of fear. Of still living a life of rear. What does it mean not to? What does it mean to me” I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees?” How am I living on my knees now?

I am looking at the trees outside, the sun is already somwhat out, shade and light, lots of green, a mountain behind the trees. I see it every day, often I don’t but it is always there, every day since I live here, it is right there. What does it mean to me to be free? Free of fear?

I wish there was something dramatic I could do. I had this crazy image of you, thinking if I was you, what that dramatic thing would be: running in a public place screaming to the top of your lungs: look at me- I AM Jim AND Jamie. I am Jim and Jamie and I am not afraid! I am not ashamed!

How would it look for me, doing something similar, running in a public place, what would I scream to the top of my lungs? “Here I am. Look at me! See me! I am HERE. I EXIST. I am here! … I MATTER. What I think matters. What I feel matters. I count. I make a difference!”

Of course you may very well be screaming something else other than what I wrote above- if you like the image, what would you be screaming?

My biggest hurt is having lived as if i didn’t matter. Ah, the pain, the humiliation, that self disrespect, self abandonment. Not onlyu did I give up on wings but I gave up on my legs taking me away from humiliating situations (I stayed feeling paralyzed, helpless and worst: as if I had no right and no value justifying my removal from being used like an object by another). To abandon myself, to deny my inherent value to my own self, to step all over myself, so to speak. Ah… never would I want to go back to that.

I am going to stop these thoughts right now… What do you think, Jim/Jamie? I’ll write you later. I am not in my… usual state of mind right now.
anita