Oh jeez where to start. I need help. Help with my relationship, so here I am, trying this.
So this guy, Matt, who is now my husband and the father of our little girl. We met at the end of 2009, (I was 19 and he was 24), dated for 9 months, he proposed, 9 months later we got married in 2011. We got pregnant in 2013 and our beautiful baby girl was born in 2014….So there is the timeline.
Now, going back to when we started dating, we met online, we went out swing dancing a lot, we were both in college. The tough part is we didn’t really have a lot of time to ourselves, we were either in public, or around his family, my family, or our friends. Here is where it gets interesting, we didn’t have pre-marital sex, because I didn’t want to, but he never even tried to push the envelope. Which bothered me, and I told some of my friends, (which I should have talked to him about it—(1st mistake). They said he probably just doesn’t want to lose control and go too far. So I thought it would change after we were done with college, because then he wouldn’t live with roommates (2nd mistake). He was and is a great guy, my family loved him, so did my friends, and he wasn’t like any other guy I had dated. Everyone else that I dated wanted my body like crazy, but he was a gentleman.
More about my husband, his dad is an alcoholic and has a narcissistic personality, both of which my husband didn’t even realize until 2014. So my husband did drink a lot when I met him, and now will only have a beer or two at a family gathering every month or two. So at least that trait didn’t carry through. But my husband does have a few narcissistic traits and issues with being raised by a narc.
Growing up his dad treated him like a buddy instead of a son. Matt was expected to always be complimenting his dad, helping his dad, talking about his dad in such a beautiful light, because that’s what a narc wants, everything to be about him. He always made Matt feel like he wasn’t enough. If you are not familiar with narcs, please google narcissistic personality, my father in-law fits all categories but one, and if you know of anyone like that, get away from them because they are horrible people!!! Matt has “never been enough” is what he feels. So obviously he does have depression and high anxiety. This was all kept from me until after we were married for 6 months, then it all started to unravel. I really should not say “kept from me”. There was a lot of writing on the wall, looking back, but in my mind I always came up with an excuse or some reason why and I would just overlook it (mistake).
So when we were dating, he didn’t want to be alone with me because he wanted a lot of people around that would help make him look cool, because he thought that I wanted “a cool dude”. When I would show up for our date, he was always more concerned about how he looked, and what he did or said. Instead of even looking at me or admiring me, I didn’t want to be made a big deal, so please don’t get that impression, but any girl knows that you do at least want to be noticed. Also when you are dating, especially at the beginning of the relationship, usually the other person is all you can think about, and you are so excited to see the other person and you’re their number one and they are your number one. I’m talking right in the beginning when you overthink everything, and you always want to be next to them. I never got that vibe from Matt, but I just made excuses and didn’t talk to him about truly how I felt (mistake). I just felt like his buddy.
Then he proposed, well then I told myself, it will be different when we get married. Wow, actually typing this out would have really helped when we were first dating, because there was so many signs and feelings that I ignored.
We got married and the skeletons started coming out, about his family, about his insecurities, which is a ridiculously long list. As newlyweds we averaged having sex in the beginning maybe 4-6 times a month and that would be me initiating it, and now, yes you guessed it, it is much less… like zilch. So, I love sex, you can’t get any closer to someone than making love, just the thought of it I love! Usually it is more of an emotional thing for the woman, and that is true in this case as well, men usually really like the physical part more. So, if you are thinking well he is gay, trust me, he is not. He has no physical issues, everything works how it is supposed to and it is wonderful. Mentally though, there is some problems.
Remember when I talked about Matt’s dad being a narc. For Matt’s whole life he has not got a bit of empathy, because narcs are incapable of it. Matt’s dad would laugh at him when Matt would tell him his shortcomings, or issues. “It sucks to be you Matt, you screw up everything.” “So about my life…” would be his follow-up. Matt has a Bachelors in finance and a Masters in non-profit something or other, I don’t remember the exact title. His dad would tell Matt, “Wow, don’t you know anything? College just beats the common sense right out of you.” He was so nasty, but yet, “Matt, you are my best friend, and you are so far ahead of the game.” It was twisted messages all the time.
So, whatever Matt does, he describes it as this, it’s like there is two people reasoning with him in everything he does, like the devil and angel, one on each shoulder if you will. However, the angel, or the level headed person, is taking a nap. So the devil, who is actually his dad’s voice-determined by a counselor. Saying, “You can’t do that, you’re only going to screw it up, don’t even try.” Just to mention as well, we have been to four different counselors, trying to figure this out. I should also say, a couple months after our little girl was born Matt was trying to talk to his dad about something and his dad didn’t care. They had a big fight and have not talked or seen each other in over a year. To conclude this portion, Matt is very insecure about absolutely anything that requires more than 5 seconds of thinking, because of what his dad instilled in him.
Now to talk about me, and why I am writing this. I am tired. Tired of feeling, unloved, unwanted, and unacknowledged. There was several times that I was going to break up with Matt, but I didn’t really have a good reason, looking back feeling unloved would have been a good reason! But it’s not that he doesn’t love me, it’s just that he doesn’t love me in a way that you would love a significant other. I feel loved like my brother would love me. He is a great father, absolutely wonderful, and yes, she was planned. So here I am, with a husband that just simply does not think of me, doesn’t try to put the moves on me, we talk about this crap all the time…every day. But I have been feeling like crap for over 5 years, we have talked about divorce and it something we both don’t want. But I’m not happy, and I have not been happy for years. The thing that scares me the most is, what if my daughter was in this situation? What if she felt this unloved, would I tell her to stay because they have a child together? I’m so miserable, and frankly, I do feel like I did it to myself, because I married him, thinking he would change, thinking it would be much different and ignoring my gut feelings. But I do love him! I just want him to love me back.
About Us… Everyone thinks we are the cutest couple, Matt is so lovey-dovey in public, but when we get home, he does something else, like watch TV or some other random thing so he doesn’t do anything wrong. My family and friends love Matt, they think we are so great together and that I am so lucky, which makes all of this even worse. We talk about our relationship all the time, we do mirroring exercises and other tactics to make sure we are communicating on the same level, but when I say, “I need you to show me you love me, I need to feel like you think about me”. And he gives me the excuses, “Well Lilly, I have shame and I have issues. Tell me how to love you, tell me how to do it, give me clues, no one ever taught me this.” I want to see him take the initiative and try to figure it out. I’m not going to tell him what to do, and how to love me. Our whole relationship I feel like I have given so much and he has given so little to make it work. I want him to do it. Our latest counselor told me not to help, Matt needs to do this, or we won’t ever make it. But I feel like I am crumbling now, next step for me is depression meds, because I don’t want to feel unloved anymore. But how much sense does that make? That’s like knowing you have a broken finger that needs to be set, to properly heal and instead just taking Advil for the pain.
I know this is long, and I’m sorry, and nobody can tell me what I should do, because you don’t actually know us. But I just don’t know what to do.