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how can I be a better me?

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  • October 1, 2015 at 11:17 am #84523
    june
    Participant

    I have been with my husband for a long time. Our marriage has lacked romance for a good part of this too.
    There has been some things arise that have hurt me emotionally, and I am unable to get past them. I am well aware that I am insecure, and recently started seeing a therapist to try and help me work through that.

    I found out my husband was sending raunchy photos of celebrities/things from imgur etc with his friends. I confronted him on it, told him how I felt about it, and he swore he wouldn’t do it again. Well he did, and when I commented again, he swore up and down it was over. That is fine. My issue is, he is this completely different person with his work friends, then the guy I know. I am not a prude, if anything he is (at least at home with me). When at our children’s school dance, he actually sent a text to one of his friends, that the teachers dressed up like princesses were getting to him. In actuality, there was not a single teacher there, just the principal and she was a witch. So I get that he did it to get a rise out of his friend, but it drives me mental.

    We took a trip to Disney recently with the kids, and that is all I could think about. I loathed meeting the princesses.

    Also, I 100% understand people will notice an attractive person. However, the need to ogle women in front of me, makes me want to vomit. When I call him out on it, he denies it every which way of Sunday.

    I know I need to get over my insecurities and self hate/doubt. However, it is so hard to, when the only sliver of self esteem I did have, has been dragged through the mud by him repeatedly.

    I have distanced myself these past few days, because I hate that I let him get to me. I don’t know what to do.

    October 2, 2015 at 10:35 am #84573
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hurtinotown:

    I don’t understand your post.

    You wrote “the only silver of self esteem I did have, has been dragged through the mud by him repeatedly.”

    Can you tell me more about that silver of self esteem you had before the affects of your husband behaviors? that is, independent of his behavior?

    And then, can you tell me more about how he dragged your self esteem through the mud?

    anita

    October 3, 2015 at 12:12 pm #84626
    JSD
    Participant

    Hi Hurtinotown,

    I completely understand where you’re coming from, as I used to think the way you do.
    Please listen carefully. Your low self esteem will be the cause of your relationship to fail. Think about this: why would you or anyone be with a person who didn’t value themselves? If you’re trying to sell me something (say, a pen) and you tell me the pen is worthless and doesn’t write well…why would I buy it?
    It’s the same for esteem. Please stop looking for acceptance of yourself outside of you. Your husband, family or friends are not there to make you feel good about yourself. That’s your job. Find your value, whether it’s your amazingly generous spirit or your wizardry in the kitchen. Share that with the world.
    Your husband looks at other women? Of course he does. They all do unless they’re gay. It’s very hard to watch your spouse check out other women, this I know. I tried playing this game: When I saw a woman who I thought was beautiful (and let’s face it, most are) I would point her out to my ogling man. “Hey, look at that gorgeous woman! Those breasts are so perfect and I love her boots!” What this does is it gives you both a chance to admire another human and it let’s your man know that you’re in a league above many insecure women. Does this make sense? Do not compare yourself to others, but do allow your self to see the beauty in others. You have a beauty, grace and spirit that no one else has. Your husband fell in love with you for it, but you’ve decided to allow him to hold the key to your happiness. Please do not let that happen! Find your worth, celebrate it with yourself and share the beauty of the world around you with your man. I bet that if you start allowing yourself and him to admire others, that the behaviour that you dislike will fade. Plus, even if he is staring at the only other woman in a room, you absolutely CANNOT be 100% certain that he is actually looking at her. Your insecurities tell you he is, then you start feeling bad, and then the behaviour that you hate follows. You hold the key to stopping your negative feelings about what your husband does. And you hold the key to feeling better about yourself. Don’t turn to him for esteem. Build you own!

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