Dear Laia:

Your post is very sensible, makes it possible for me to understand more. It is wrong for your partner to behave aggressively (hurtful words for one) and passive-aggressively (not take your calls) toward you. It is wrong for him to explode with aggression of any type no matter how he feels. This behavior of his has to stop- and this is the first thing to do in your efforts to team up with him, to be a team and work together- establish some rules of interactions between the two of you. No raising voices/ screaming, no verbal abuse (or physical, of course), time out okay (as in “I need time alone”) but not the silence treatment for punishing purposes, and more. That is learning and practicing interpersonal skills between the two of you. EAR for one, stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. If you could communicate with each other using these three.

It is almost like a war zone, the circumstances of your life right now- living with your parents who you and your partner would prefer not to live with, correct? And it is a war zone for you when your partner explodes at you, no wonder you feel like you are walking on egg shells, afraid of the next explosion.

For your well being, as well as the well being of your daughter, your environment right now needs to be safer for you than it is. I hope you make this point clear to your partner and that he will be motivated to do his part in making it safer for you and for his own daughter, by practicing EAR in his communications with you.

Establish the rules, work on EAR. Talk about it, observe the improvements, make suggestions for further improvements, notice regressions as part of progress, and keep going.

anita