Dear The Thinker:

You wrote that she had a bad upbringing and that when you spend time with her family (and her present there), “everything goes smooth”- I wonder if she holds her anger against her family, her parents, down, repressing it when spending time with them and that is why everything goes smooth then. But when she is with your family for the holidays, or about to be, that same anger, repressed, comes to the surface. It could be that she is afraid to express her anger with the people with whom she does have unresolved issues, but is not afraid to express it to you.

If so, it is a matter for therapy for her. This is HER issue, her problem to solve, her responsibility. I understand her motivation, how intensely, I assume, she feels and.. almost HAS to express it. I have done it. I hurt others like she is hurting you, through no fault of your own.

It takes maturity on her part to control her emotions during the holidays, maybe stay home alone, if that is what it takes and let you spend time with your family alone during the holidays. Simply tell your family the truth… or not, but show up alone, I think that is the best solution for now.

And let her know it is HER responsibility to heal the hurt she has regarding her family, not yours and it is her responsibility to NOT dump her anger on you and your family.

anita