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  • December 18, 2015 at 8:57 am #89882
    Lilly
    Participant

    Hi~
    I am wondering if I could get a couple enlightened opinions on a relationship question that I’ve been dealing with?

    Here’s a very short back story for perspective:
    I have been in two long term relationships, both of whom cheated on me. They were great liars and every time feelings would come up that alerted me or when my energy felt off bc of their shady actions, I would get the courage up to talk to them in a respectful, positive way, asking if something was up. They both would verbally attack me and call me crazy. It eventually led to me not sharing my feelings as a way to protect myself from being verbally abused. In the end my feelings were right and I feel I did great harm not listening to my feelings. All they want is to be heard, and I truly believe they are all there for a reason.
    I am now in a new, wonderful relationship. We are open about everything and sharing my feelings with him is a slow process, but he keeps telling me he’s not them and talking to him is easy, which it is. Anytime something has come up, I sit on it for about a week, while my brain goes over and over, trying it’s hardest to logically get through the feelings so I don’t have to bring them up and confront them. But, what happens is the feelings and energy want to be released, not pushed down. I, eventually come out and tell him my feelings, where he beautifully receives them and makes the release of them an amazing experience.
    For the past week, I have been trying to get rid of these feelings/energy once again, so I don’t have to bring them up. It’s not working, but this situation is so weird and I would like opinions on if this is something I should continue to work through inside, as an inside job, or share them with him, since I love and respect him and our relationship so much and he’s already commented that something is different about my energy.

    The new sitch:
    I love my sister, we are best of friends. He just recently started bonding with her when we hang out. I love it and it warms my heart. I have never ONCE been jealous of my sister or relationships around my sister, that’s why this is really strange for me. Well, they have started texting, just innocently, like she’s going through a hard time and he wanted to show that he cared, so he texted her a caring text. It was so sweet. No problem there. I’ve noticed they’ve continued to text frequently and they’re bonding. Love that they’re bonding, but A. I’ve never had a significant other be texting buddies with my sister. B. When we’re all hanging out, and they’re bonding, that’s great, but this is kind of like an energy leak, like they’re bonding behind my back. (I’m not saying “behind my back” in a snooty way, but LITERALLY behind my back) and it makes me feel strange.

    For me, I live life through feelings, energy and I am an empath, so when something comes up it just changes the energy for me, as we all know everything is energy.

    So, the question is do I honor and share my feelings with him, or continue to try and work through the internally, since the last thing I want to do is make anyone feel weird, since it’s kind of a weird situation?

    Thank you dearly ~

    December 18, 2015 at 9:13 am #89884
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lilly:

    I agree with how you view feelings, emotions (energy-in-motion). My answer is: do continue to share your feelings with him, as long as you continue to take responsibility over your feelings. For example: I feel … instead of You make me feel. But reading your post, I think you are familiar with this point. But continuing on this path of taking responsibility over your feelings, it is not only the wording as in my example, it is not going on and on as in telling your boyfriend in so doing: Make it (these feelings) go away! I can’t handle them, this is why I keep repeating myself. Also share in a non threatening way. When you share your feelings responsibly and honestly, and when you provide and promote a SAFE environment with your boyfriend and mutual, respectful, assertive and empathetic sharing, then do share and share and then share some more.

    Regarding your sister and him texting, my initial and still existing feeling is discomfort with it: I do not like it, and I am not even you… If I was you, I wouldn’t like it. Not at all, and I would share it with him and with your sister. And as you do it with honesty, non threateningly, with empathy, respect to them AND to yourself (honoring your feelings and the messages they need to deliver)- then listen to them and learn.

    anita

    December 18, 2015 at 10:43 am #89885
    Lilly
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your wisdom, Anita! You have really helped me.

    It is a huge learning lesson for me to keep sharing my feelings without fear. But, I will continue to push through and share in a compassionate way, like you suggested. And it really helps my perspective to hear that the whole sister thing creates discomfort within you too. I think the main thing that I am troubled over is I never want to look like I’m being jealous or possessive. I have been very careful to notice that the feelings that it creates aren’t those poisonous feelings, it’s more like a discomforted energy that it creates. I just don’t want to make him feel weird, but I am realizing regardless, I MUST listen to my feelings, bc they seriously don’t go away until you respect them.

    December 18, 2015 at 11:52 am #89886
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lilly:

    “MAKING him feel weird” is taking responsibility over HIS feelings. When you tell him you are uncomfortable (whatever the words you use or the words you find yourself using into a share or discussion with him) about him and your sister texting, and you do it responsibly and honestly, not in an accusing, condemning way, you have done your job. You are not responsible over what he may feel. You are then open to examine more what you feel, listen to what he feels, examine the situation itself. Your feelings about it may change, whatever IT is.

    This is an ongoing practice, and you get better at it the more you practice. It is scary because … well, i never know when a particular person may attack me. People often do when they feel threatened, even when it was not I who threatened them. This is where courage comes into play. Sharing your feelings without fear is great. Sharing your feelings in spite of fear, sharing even the fear itself, that’s courageous.

    Post again, if you’d like, anytime. After the conversation with your boyfriend?

    anita

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