Arran,

I think you should know you’re not alone, even in your feeling of being alone.

I have treatment-resistant depression, and I also am never happy, or really even content. I struggle with physical pain from a neck issue that will eventually require surgery to “resolve,” but the surgery probably won’t be an option until I’m in my 40s or 50s. I’m currently in my late 20s, and have a beautiful, wonderful wife and daughter, and another baby on the way. My family is wonderful, and I know they’re wonderful, but… I still am not happy or content.

It’s exhausting to need everything around you to be perfect, because it’s a never-ending battle. My parents both loved me as a child, and I know that in my adult head, but my mother began getting very sick with bipolar disorder when I was about 6, and my father worked as a professor, but never received tenure, so was always working endless hours for minimal pay. I didn’t go without anything I needed, but I also don’t feel like my childhood was comforting… I was alone, as it sounds like you were.

I haven’t found the answer yet, and have had similar experiences (lackluster) with therapists, so am indifferent about the idea of seeking one out. I think Anita has an excellent point. If your wife is anything like mine (and it sounds like she is, superficially, at least)… she will understand that you’re struggling, and that is where some of her stress comes from, is a feeling of helplessness, being unable to make you happy, because nothing makes you happy. I find some solace in prayer, which can be to God, or if you don’t hold such beliefs, can be to the Universe. Either way, something more powerful than you is out there to listen whenever you need to talk.

My 6 year old daughter just came over, and gave me the biggest hug, and told me she loved me, and looked at me with her beautiful brown eyes… Those types of times, I can just barely feel the positive aura that comes from the love that she and her mother have for me, and show me daily. It nearly brings me to tears, because with their love comes all of this guilt that comes from knowing I’m unhappy, and feeling like I shouldn’t be that way, and that I’m somehow robbing them of the happier version of me, which I pray and hope exists… I’ve spent far too long in this despair, and I just hope that I stumble across the answer.

I hope knowing that you’re not alone in your feeling of loneliness and hopelessness is itself a boost to your feelings.

Blessings,
Tim