Hi everyone,

I was really in need of someone to talk to, and having been to TinyBuddha a few times, I thought maybe I should try posting something. I’d really appreciate someone else’s insights. I’m sorry that this is long, so thank you if you read to the end. I’m 19 and not really feeling great about myself. Growing up, I was always quite disconnected from the real world and mostly lived in my head and dream world. My parents weren’t rich, but were well off enough that I never had to struggle for money, food, or really anything. They grew up in a poor country and struggled hard for what they have now, and they’ve told me that all they want is for me to have a better life than they did. Growing up, if I asked for something, they got it for me as long as it was within reason. As you can probably tell, I’ve never had a job. I have done some volunteer work, but it was only because I was told that I should and my stint with it only lasted as long as it was necessary. During high school, I had never realized how much money is involved in life and that getting enough money to survive can be very hard, let alone getting enough to have nice things. But if I wanted new electronics or clothes, I got them. I carried on like that during high school, basically under the impression that my only responsibility was to get good grades, which I did.

When I came to university, I retained the same impression. My freshman year, I again got good grades, but I didn’t realize the significance of what university costs because my parents were able to pay out of pocket. I even fought with my parents over my choice of major because I didn’t understand what it meant to live in the real world. Eventually, I grudgingly (at the time) switched my major to the practical degree my parents advised, because I felt I had no other options. I had looked down the list of majors and nothing interested me at all, but I had to pick something, because that was what I was told to do. I remember thinking to myself at the time, “If not for (practical major), there’s nothing else I’d consider going to college for.” My aspirations were just dreams. I picked up dance and got quite into it, and I wanted to do something with it. But when I realized that wasn’t very realistic, I lost direction.

I switched and have been through two semesters as an official student in that major taking classes related to it. It’s the same field my parents went into. When I began getting some hands on experience, I immediately began regretting my previous thoughts and actions. I never knew it before, but what they do is hard and taxing (I’m not trying to diminish other jobs, but it just hit me hard because I’m starting to do what my parents have done for years and I’ve never worked before). I realized that even though they get paid relatively well, they’re exchanging so many hours of their lives doing this to earn a living (as everyone who works does). And getting this degree is an important step toward surviving and earning a living (I know that even with a degree nowadays, it’s hard to get a job, but this degree is in a supposedly high demand profession).

The one saving grace for me, I feel, is that I’m not just attending university and not even trying. I am trying, and I’ve made some progress, but not as much as my peers and not as much as I feel I should’ve made. Even with just trying, I’m not putting in 100% of myself. I’ve left some effort for the hobbies I love and managing my emotions (which can be hard for me), and what I have left to give goes to my studies. When I talk to my parents about the possibility of failure (I’ve often thought I just don’t have what it takes to succeed in this field, and admittedly, the desire to succeed in it), they dismiss it as a possibility and simply say that I just have to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I can’t see myself doing what my parents do for the rest of my life (I’m also introverted and this profession is very service and people oriented). But I’m caught between my own sense of happiness, making use of the opportunities I’ve been given, and just accepting that this is the real world and I just can’t fail. Even among my peers at university, I feel like an outsider that should be an outcast. I wear the nice clothes that my parents bought for me and go to university without needing to work because of my parents’ money. Most of my peers are working and need to. Even worse, trying to keep up with studying and managing my emotional state makes it so that even if I were able to get a job at this point, I feel I couldn’t handle it. But then I always go back and say that if I were like my peers and needed to work for money, I’d find a way. I feel like right now, being in this program at university and on track to graduate in two years, I have no other choice because this is what I have to do. I don’t feel happy these days, but I don’t feel like I have a right to be happy either. I just don’t know how to live my life right now.

TLDR: I’m 19 and have never worked, studying to be in a practical field. It’s hard to live and survive in this world, and I have the opportunity to do just that but I’m not happy with it and feel guilty because of that, plus the fact that I even have the luxury of contemplating that instead of just recognizing that’s how things are and that’s what I have to do.

Again, I appreciate it if you read this, and I’m sorry it was so long.