Dear Carlos:

I dislike alcohol too. When a person close to me even gets a buzz from alcohol, and gets that different look, a different expression on his face, that dazed look in the eyes, that unusual calm and all-is-well look, that fake calm, I HATE it. I hate it automatically. And I can’t help that hate I feel. What I feel, if the person is very close to me, I feel scared: like I lost the person I care about, like he entered a parallel universe and I stayed behind. In HIS universe all is well and …I am supposed to pretend I am in that universe and all is well. But all is not well with me and he is … gone. So there I am alone, ALONE and there is nothing I can do to get him back… until the alcohol wears off.

You asked: “Am I wrong for disliking alcohol? Am I selfish for not wanting to be with him this way?” My answer is: no, you are not wrong to dislike alcohol: it is an automatic feeling, you don’t choose it. You automatically dislike it. How can you be wrong for something you do not choose? Are you “selfish?” My answer is: no, it is your job and responsibility to operate for your own well being. This is not selfishness, it is what you owe yourself.

I can continue with the question of being wrong: is he wrong to like alcohol? Same answer: no, he is not wrong for feeling whatever it is he is feeling: feelings are automatic. He doesn’t choose to like alcohol.

It is our behavior, what we choose to do that is right or wrong.

When he calls you selfish for you taking care of yourself and you proceeding to doubt yourself… and him continuing with the theme of you being selfish, if he does, that is wrong of him.

When he is repeatedly late to meeting with you, that is wrong of him.

And when he knows being drunk triggers you badly, he is wrong being drunk in your presence… and you are wrong placing yourself if that situation.

I understand there are good things between the two of you but alcohol is a bad thing between the two of you. That is his drinking it is bad for you.

I don’t see how you can go back with him and continue unless he CHOOSES to get off alcohol or he is able to drink moderately (not less than before, but really… just a glass of wine here and there… two beers per occasion). Only if he desires that, sincerely…

What I would do if I was you and if you choose to see him in the near future, a couple of days from now, or so is this: pay attention to one thing: does he have the desire, the sincere motivation to get off alcohol or to cut down so significantly that he is a moderate drinker? No such desire expressed in your story above. And I mean: no trying to soothe you with innuendos such as: “I drink less because of you..

I mean is he really motivated to make a drastic change in his life? If not, you will have to endure the heartbreak of a love story that has to end because it is .. too broken already.

anita