Dear Adam:

I read every one of your posts on this thread, again and slowly, every word you typed here. These are my thoughts:

Motivation: my motivation here on tiny buddha and in my life otherwise, is to see the truth, what is real. The more of the truth that I see, the healthier I am, and so I believe it is for everyone else. False beliefs, distorted views, delusions is what keeps people sick, unwell, distressed. I am not motivated by you separating from her or marrying her, no such personal motivation.

She is motivated by wanting to be married with you.

Innocence to me means being honest. Being honest is not a property of any particular religion or race or nationality. The fact that she is a muslim does not mean that she is honest with you. Neither is the fact that she had little or no experience with men before you and indication that she is an honest person. If she was a virgin when she met you, does not mean she was or is pure in the sense of being honest and good.

As I read your posts today, these are the things that occurred to me:

She did have feelings for the guy at work, your mate. You saw her feelings for him with your own eyes and you saw it in her behavior: the picking up of the item from the trash and keeping it. The fact that she had feelings of closeness and affection and what not to him is undeniable. So when she told you she did not have feelings for him, she lied to you.

Think about it: if she did not have feelings for him, then she was acting, pretending when she glowed when talking about him, when she used the tone of voice when talking about him… and she picked up the item from the trash for what reason? And talked about him again and again… for what reason?

There is no way around it, no possible explanation except one: she has not been honest with you. In fact, she has been manipulative with you. She intended (yes, intended) to make you jealous with the first guy, this is a manipulation and then when you left the workplace (and maybe she felt abandoned by you, threatened, she did the same thing again, make you jealous, make you worry about her so that you will remain attached to her. She was probably worried that you will forget about her being away from her physically..)

And then when you confronted her with her dishonesty and manipulation (my words), she lied to you and put the blame on you and encouraged you to feel confused, like there is something wrong with you for suspecting her.

I went over with you, Adam, over your childhood a bit and your past relationships, and it seems to me that you survived these two things quite well and the confusion in this relationship is not because of past unresolved issues but because you are dealing with a dishonest, manipulative woman.

She is dishonest and manipulative out of fear and she is greatly motivated to get married with you. She is not necessarily a COLD manipulator. But lots of manipulative, dishonest people do it out of fear- it doesn’t matter why- it still hurts.

You can never reasonably trust her. She does not have it in her at this point to be honest. Whenever she feels threatended- and she will feel threatened even when married to you, she will resort to dishonest manipulations of you again and again. She will also manipulate your children, if you have children with her.

Please think about this and… let go of your past view of her as all good and innocent and honest. Appearances are often not what is true. She fooled you and she fooled others in thinking she is what she is not. Is my view.

And save yourself from a lifetime of confusion and self doubt. Your feelings of being betrayed by her, of her not being worthy of your trust did not lie to you. She lied, not your feelings.

Have a “Beginner’s Mind” on this, is my advice to you. No need to believe or trust me, unlearn what you think you know about her and get to know her from a fresh kind of brain, from the beginning… and please do post again, if you’d like.