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Really rough 20 years, and still not done. Need advice

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #97404
    Bobbyk
    Participant

    Hi, i must just start to say I’ve been reading on this page for ages for self help. But now has the day come, for me to ask for guidance.

    Let’s start with the TL;DR part.
    I’m a Boy that was bullied for 10 years, then i kept it inside for 10 years before starting to get it out and improve again and get over it all. Earlier i was shy and introvert, now I’m mostly just partly shy and ambivert. Now i’m not sure what i need to do to come over my current problems(which is mostly insecurity, and lack of self confidence), but i know it will take some time but be worth it. I have improved lots from last year where i finally felt i started my life and living it. But the questions i have, or rather problems if you’d like to call them is.

    Questions/problems:
    -I think i’m afraid of being myself. Every time i’m out with coworkers for social events i always criticize myself afterwards, like why did i do that, or why did i say that and end up beating myself up and being embarrassed over myself(I started my first real job after a BsC 5 months ago). So i’m not sure at all how to fix this, all i can say i have improved and it’s easier being myself now, but like explained i still have my issues where i’m too hard on myself. So what can be done?

    – I’m insecure due to my lack of self-esteem. I have never been in a relationship in my life, and my insecurities and lack of self-esteem cause me to never know what to do. This is also due to bullying so i lack many social codes how to do things. When checking up girls soberly, if i get too close or really like a girl i never know where to start or what to start with. And i can quite easily start to shake without being able to control it due to anxiety. That being said, i’m not lonely, but i don’t want to be alone, if that makes sense. Often also, i’m afraid of taking the first step, because i’m afraid of what the other person might think.

    Here’s the long story:
    I’m a boy 23 years old, that was bullied age 3-13 both physical and verbal over and over, and after that i went on being outsider for 3 years through secondary school. As i felt i didn’t have anything in common with the people i had known for 10 years already, and i didn’t want to be around them either.

    So after that i kept everything inside. Until one year ago, where i finally came in contact with someone i trusted instinctively from the very start, and with a few nudges in the right spots i finally managed to open up and get it all out. This worked for months where this person was kind of a psychologist for me, the person had read a lot about psychology but never studied it through school. But even though all this, it proved very useful alongside my determination to improve. So we talked and talked and i improved. From being a very shy and introverted person to being a ambivert(I prefer to be among few good people and calm, than being among many people and talk. But i change depending of what the situation requires of me.)

    One of the things i decided to do, to improve socially. Is that i started going to parties without drinking, to push myself to talk to new people. It was either talking to new people and push myself out of the comfort zone. Or be bored through the whole party with no fun. And other ways of coming out of my comfort zone. I had in total like 4 emotional breakdowns in this period where i could cry for several minutes. This was always due to the conversations with the person i had as a psychologist.

    So now i know among friends i have no issues at all later and I’ve excelled way more than i thought was possible. But when i’m social at work or with coworkers after work. I get insecure like mentioned earlier, by criticizing myself and being hard, and being embarrassed when all i did was being myself. I know deep within myself, i’m a very open person as of late due to everything and this helps me get in contact with people. I have no problem letting them know me, and that’s something i really want. I have no issues being open to people to let them know me, so they can also understand me. And that i love talking, and want to get to know more people better. So my confidence is rising, but my self-confidence and self-respect holds me back from my true potential. And i’m hoping once i get rid of my insecurity in general, my self-confidence will grow and i will have no problem getting a relationship. Also i know that i’m still very young, so i shouldn’t be stressing. But it’s good to work towards a goal isn’t it? 🙂

    So to end this. I must really thank you for all responses that might come, and i’m really glad if you read the whole thing.

    #97413
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bobbyk:

    Who bullied you at the age of three? Who bullied you from the age of 3 to 13? Who did not protect you from that bullying?

    The friend that has been helping you, a he (?) How has he been helping you? What did he say… what did he do that has been helpful to you and for how long?

    anita

    #97424
    Bobbyk
    Participant

    There were always neighbourhood kids and such when playing in the sandbox in the start. Throwing sand at me every day and doing other things i don’t remember. Then when i got to age 4-8 it was more when we built cabins in the woods, i was forced to do the most awful things, go into small rooms in our cabins full of nails so they would continously poke me. They did this all on purpose. Once they duct taped me to a light pole and ran away.

    There was many things, but many memories are also suppressed so can barely be remembered anymore. Later in school it started as verbal, calling me names every day, so quite quickly i was rather just called ‘ugly’ all over school because that was my nickname for 2-3 years, and i was continuously picked at. So i went back into my shell to protect myself and hardly ever made new friends, as i was afraid if i were to come out of my hole people would come and force me back into it again. Then from i was 12-13 it was way worse, both verbal and physical at the same time. Things like trying to blackmail me, putting superglue in my shoes right before i were to put them back on(shoes was in other room, so i couldn’t see it coming). This is definitely the worst year i had, then the one behind it at this school moved. So i went into 3 years of solitude by being loner for myself as i mentioned in the post.

    My parents would always try to do something, like in early years talk to parents of the kids trying to get at me. But it didn’t help at all. Later they talked to teachers at school and ways to fix things there and tried in their best ways to be there for me. But they didn’t exactly know themselves what to do, and the teachers failed miserably too.

    I know i was a bit crybaby as a kid but that wasn’t the cause of this. There’s hardly sense to make to it, but i have a theory. As of my early years i always used to hide behind my parents feet as i was so shy by birth. So that followed me for quite some time, and i had yet another start on the social life as i felt limited by speech. Up till i was 6 i couldn’t say the letter ‘L’ even, so i had to have a surgery on my tongue and doctor-ish follow-up later to learn to say that letter. So my theory is that people could read very basic signs from my body language and such, and just see me as a easy target.

    When i was around age 11-12 i started with bracers and retainers also. So when me self esteem were already quite low by bullying, getting braces on didn’t exactly make things better in my eyes. I felt i looked like a freak really, so i withdrew even more and was almost afraid of going out being with people in case of being made fun of. This went gradually down by the years, but i was also so lucky i had to use retainers 3 times, and braces 2 times. So i wasn’t done with it all until i was 20. yaaay.

    So after i turned 13 i figured i should just ‘grow up’. So from that day, i held it all within and never spoke of it again and never cried again until last year, as i had seen how much pain it brought my parents. So i felt i could be strong enough to have that burden myself. But what i didn’t see back then was that it would cause me to freeze out family without seeing it myself. I didn’t want them hurt more, so i fought on for myself.

    I wasn’t totally alone that being said, i started a martial arts when i was 13 due to i knew one of my bestfriends had been doing that for years. So i started with the wrong motives for the first month. But they took me in with open arms and helped to hold me stable for all these years and slowly build me up some but not as much as i have managed last year. So my motives quickly changed and i have been with those people forever since and it brings me lots of joy. And to be completely honest here, i don’t think i’d survive without those people i train with, i think i would found a way to escape…i have never been suicidal that i can promise you, but during my ages 13-16 i was hoping to get a major non-curable disease that would fix everything.

    The friend who helped me was former girlfriend of a guy i went to school with. We came into contact by first me asking for advice to my former classmate. He got me into contact with his former gf, and we talked more and more. In the start she was mostly listening and letting me tell the story i had been holding in for 10 years. I didn’t give all details at first, because back then being open was totally new to me. So with trust i managed to open up more and more.

    She started giving advice and her point of view of things after a while. And i constantly asked if there things i needed answer on, like social cues, codes what was right and wrong. Disarming my insecurities and building me up. Also giving me some tasks, tasks that were guaranteed to push me out of my comfort zone. But after a while she didnt need to give advice and point of views. Thing eventually fell into place by themselves also when i had first got the ball rolling, but that was mostly because i had a burning desire to work on myself and get to know my real self. But maybe when i look back, she was more like a mentor, while i had the will to take every step myself with guidance.

    #97425
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bobbyk:

    What a tough life you had from the very beginning, it is a shame. But you have strong spirit, a “burning desire to work on myself and get to know my real self”-

    You wrote in your original post that you are afraid to be yourself. You want to get to know your real self and you are afraid.

    Your fear is understandable, having been bullied for so long, so many times, and not protected by the adults in your life. Even people who did not suffer much bullying are afraid.

    Only you no longer have to be afraid of being bullied, not if you can protect yourself. Once you build the confidence that you can protect yourself, remove yourself from abusive people, for one. Then you have less to be afraid of.

    You wrote that in social situations you criticize yourself, afraid you said the wrong thing. Over time you will learn, as I have, that even if you say the wrong thing, the consequence will NOT be what happened to you when you were young.

    We fear the same punishment that we experienced in our childhood, but we are no longer those small, defenseless children. So even if you say the wrong thing, you will not suffer the terrible bullying of your childhood.

    I am glad you got in contact with the friend you mentioned. Please post here again with anything more specific, if you’d like. Or otherwise, write anything that comes to your mind. You are welcome here!

    anita

    #97611
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi Bobbyk

    Sounds like you had a really tough time – going through that sort of bullying is an awful experience and it is bound to have an effect on you for a long time.

    What I would say is that you seem to be doing all of the right things. You are taking action to resolve the difficulties that you were left with, you are through the things which contributed to making you a target, and are now able to openly and eloquently explain what you went through and how you felt. It seems to me that you are a long way down the road through your own actions, and you should feel very proud of yourself for that.

    The fact is, by far the majority of other people your age, and many who are a lot older, have similar social anxiety all the time. And a number of those will be the ones that you look at and think that they are masters of social skills.

    I am more than twice your age, but still have to make an effort to overcome it. Yet I remember being not much older than you, when a younger work colleague opened up to me about his social anxiety and wished he could be as confident and at ease as I was. I explained to him that I really wasn’t – I was fighting exactly the same battles that he was, maybe just hiding it better. And I also told him that his unease was news to me – he always looked confident, even if he didn’t feel it.

    So the chances are that you are being your own worst critic, and that nobody else really notices your anxiety, and in any event, nearly everyone else shares it. The big difference is that you are trying to do something about it, and that will come, in time.

    The fact that you have come out of the other side of the things that you have gone through means that you have a lot of valuable experience which you can pass on to others. Most people you meet will have suffered bullying at some point in their lives which will have affected them in ways they may not be prepared to admit to. Your experience and advice would be really valuable to them. So, far from being uncomfortable at the idea of you talking to them, many would welcome your experience and knowledge.

    If offering help face to face seems too daunting, you can always start by offering the benefits of your experience on this site – there are many going through bullying right now who would value the advice and comfort you could give them.

    So you are going the right way – just keep going. Don’t expect too much of yourself too quickly, give yourself a bit of time and you will find others seeking you out for advice on how you overcame the things you went through.

    #97758
    Bobbyk
    Participant

    I’m glad to see all these positive responses and i recently had a deep talk with a close friend almost close my age and you are just emphasizing that. Everyone put up masks to be able to deal with life in a good way, where i maybe might be a bit naive thinking that i shall try to never wear a mask again. I want to get so far i won’t be needing a mask and just do things as the real me. I believe it’s actually possible but requires effort. And through this talk i had, i actually realized more and more, one of my friends/instructors I’ve looked up to for 10 years has been through all the same.

    One thing i might do different too, is i’m no longer afraid of it(of my past and talking about it). It might be the wrong way to go about it(i’m thinking maybe i enter a victim role too often, when the goal is to be open). Often when i meet new people that i feel i instinctively trust, i tell them short summary of my story, to let them in and get to know the real me. I love to make connections with people, and i feel i don’t want more of those mediocre connections, i want the real deal so i try take the first step and see if i click deeper with people.

    I also have friends my age who deals with alot, and yes…i am seeing i can be a asset in my group of friends to be a person to be asked, but when i do see people struggling sometimes i just say random stuff that comes to me instinctively and that makes them open up and i can give them my point of view. To answer both last posts, i think the thing i lack the most, and my friend that i had a long talk with the other day agreed. I think what most people are missing the most is self-acceptance, much what you mentioned in your post Axuda. People don’t see you through your own eyes, so they might just see a person that seems confident, but for me in my eyes i see everything else. Of course some days are better than others, but i think i can see my path clearer and clearer, and just the last two days my confidence has rose again.

    So thanks for all the feedback and advice you have given here 🙂

    #97760
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bobbyk:

    I like you caring to be the real you, without masks and have real interactions with others. Self acceptance, absolutely, I agree, very fundamental to mental health. I value your values of being the real you and accepting yourself. Actually, the two go together.

    anita

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